Tide Pod Limerick

February 19th, 2018

On a Tide Pod I happened to bite
for the object’s a colourful sight;
but the pain had me stumped
till my stomach got pumped
while my s@#t came out whiter than white.

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Dutch Flatulence Limerick

February 19th, 2018

Alas, while he took a Dutch flight,
his flatulence started a fight;
but this made his day,
for he then got to stay
in Vienna, for free, for a night.

(based on story below)

https://uk.news.yahoo.com/pilot-forced-make-emergency-landing-passengers-smelly-farts-causes-fight-121720130.html

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Spice Girls Re-Forming Limerick

February 9th, 2018

When young and exceedingly brash,
the Spice Girls had smash after smash;
and though talent they lack
you won’t find them slack
in pocketing ageing fans’ cash.

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Prince William’s ‘Heir’ Limerick

January 21st, 2018

Though my barber’s skills aren’t on the grid,
I’d like to put forward a bid.
To cut William’s hair,
though his scalp’s almost bare,
I’d do it for just ninety quid.

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Donald Trump ‘Hole’ Limerick

January 15th, 2018

Said Donald: “The words of a mole
in the White House have taken their toll.
For the sentence I used,
which perhaps got confused
were: ‘My African shirt has a hole’.”

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Happy Birthday Limerick

January 15th, 2018

Today you have reached 58,
which is rather amazing, old mate;
so I wish you good health,
and lashings of wealth
till you’re boxed up and nailed in a crate.

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Modest Moi Limerick

January 10th, 2018

Myself, when in poetic mode,
can a nifty old poem unload.
My haikus are great,
my sonnets first rate
and I whip up a fabulous ode.

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Fire And Fury Limerick

January 8th, 2018

Said Trump: “Michael Wolff chose to weave
lots of lies in attempts to deceive;
and for having such gall,
he’ll be first ‘gainst the wall,
along with that bloke, Sloppy Steve.”

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Biggest Button Limerick

January 3rd, 2018

Trump opened his supersized gob
and addressing his ultra-right mob,
said, “I’ll put Kim to bed,
if we go head to head
because I’ve got the mightiest knob.

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Flight To Nice Limerick

January 3rd, 2018

We may be a pair of celebs,
but we’re also a couple of rebs.
When we’re saving on brass,
we’ll fly cattle class,
though you won’t find us sat beside plebs.

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Blackamoor Brooch Limerick

December 23rd, 2017

Princess Michael said: “Most sorry ma’am,
although Meghan’s a cute little lamb,
I’ll still wear such brooches
in spite of reproaches,
coz I’m sponsored by Robertson’s jam.”

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American Tax Bill Limerick

December 22nd, 2017

Said Donald: “My friends will make stacks
of cash from the changes in tax.
But the poor middle class
will get kicked up the @#$%
and a dagger or two in their backs.

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Yules & Fools

December 17th, 2017

On frozen days, playing outside
with snowball and fort and ice slide,
one pair of mittens
hurt like the Dickens
like bells on a horse drawn sleigh ride.

The hump-back of old Notre Dame
would ring them and call them by name.
But after awhile
in true Christmas style
those decked out would end up in pain.

Sore fingers and toes and both ears
would often go numb while they cheer
for tunes from above
which started with love
but ended in frostbite and tears.

So back home each child would tromp
and shake off the snow with a stomp
sip on PG Tips
to warm up the lips
and lament their next outdoor romp.

Loud ringing eventually stopped
and into warm beds they all plopped.
The aunties stood by
while uncles drank rye
so parents could shop til they dropped.

F. H. Lee

Nuts & Bolts Revolt

December 11th, 2017

I say let’s bring on Sweet Maries
And nut covered balls made of cheese
It seems time to mount
A war ‘gainst the count
Of “point” diets and calories!

F. H. Lee

Xmas Limerick No. 4

December 10th, 2017

At Christmas, with each festive bite,
our self-control’s soon put to flight;
we overindulge
till our butts start to bulge
and all of our clothes are too tight.

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Tisk Tisk

December 9th, 2017

Some will absolutely give in
when freely presented with gin.
Behaviour is bare,
defiance is rare,
the truth and the dares do us in.

The late David Bowie put shine
in music and costumes sublime.
It’s just a vague hunch
that he took a punch
from Bing right around Christmastime.

He showed up “surprise!” at his door
no warning or phone call before.
“You’ll see what I bring,
I think we should sing
that Drummer Boy tune, it’s a bore!”

“We’ll liven it up, give it zap
to beat out that dry Christmas crap!”
A duet so famed
emerged from their game
once Bing had agreed, “that’s a wrap!”

F. H. Lee

Resolutions Limerick

December 5th, 2017

New Year resolutions are fine,
but the gym’s where I’m drawing a line;
and I’ll blame a foul mood,
if I binge on fast food,
then take solace in lashings of wine.

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Comrade Putin Limerick

December 5th, 2017

Said Putin: “When I get undressed,
my bod is the world leaders’ best.
All men are beguiled,
and women go wild
when they witness my firm, manly chest.”

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Friday Fracas

December 2nd, 2017

A blue jay appeared in our tree
As mad and as loud as could be
He dove for the fence
His breakfast commenced
And traded his black seeds for tea!

A squirrel chased him out of his roost
Which gave my dull spirits a boost
One swiped with a paw
The other, a claw
The demons of Hades were loose!

Whoever emerges, these fights
Show clearly a victor, claims rights
With walnuts for one
Shared seeds from the sun
Fleur, maybe I’ll sleep well tonight.

While woodpeckers hang upside down
Chickadee and nuthatch abound
They flick brown and grey
And still to this day
Must listen and track by the sound.

F. H. Lee

Life Advice

December 1st, 2017

“Stay off of the radar”, he said.
My dad offered wisdom in dread
the cities would bring
Red Rum, The Shining
“be careful of Jack Nicholson!”

I moved there in 19-8-3
his radio, CFRB
he tuned into news
expecting to lose
his daughter, unable to flee.

Imagine his sigh of relief
when twenty years later he’s briefed
that I will come home
with not just a tome
but four homeless urchins? He freaked!

F. H. Lee

Humble Pie Hopes

December 1st, 2017

With kisses and hugs so it seems
for offspring and sibs given reams
they all learn much more
get joy from each chore
for me, such a virtuous dream!

Their mental and physical health
stays upbeat and sturdy and stealth.
They run from applause
in nature they pause
outlive me and make their own wealth!

F. H. Lee

No Means No

December 1st, 2017

Be dear to the people you love.
Treat them with respect and kid glove,
for a bird in the hand
is more likely to stand
up against mean bullies who shove.

F. H. Lee

Moose On The Loose

November 28th, 2017

Near Buttonville Airport, a moose
dodged traffic and cameras while loose.
Police reined him in
while out for a spin
then lured him with syrup and juice.

It followed a meadow northbound
with little distraction or sound
but as they looked back
on footage. no lack (of)
a swath of destruction they found.

It skittered through runways and fields
used back yards and fences as shields.
Although it was cute
crashed on, resolute
observers cheered loudly to yield.

Precautions stacked up to the hilt,
and so they progressed full of guilt.
They readied the dart.
Before they could start
it took off back home at full tilt.

http://barrie.ctvnews.ca/moose-runs-wild-through-markham-neighbourhoods-buttonville-airport-1.3692861

Thanks to F. H. Lee for this one

Lewis Hamilton Limerick

November 27th, 2017

Said Lewis: “My motor went vrooom,
as it swept round the track like a broom,
and the speed of my pace
brought a smile to my face,
but to rivals brought nothing but gloom.”

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Dickens’ David

November 25th, 2017

Young David endured quite a lot
Step-father and sister he fought
to protect his Mum
and Peggotty some
those books* saved his mind from dry rot.

His trousers were tattered and torn,
for much better things he was born.
As life took a turn,
his bridges he burned,
and thrived though his aunt was forlorn.

Miss Trotwood had wanted a girl
to pamper and placate and curl
all boys were a mess
would not wear a dress
best educate them wind and whirl!

*Chpt.4,David Copperfield: “My father had left a small collection of books in a little room upstairs, to which I had access (for it adjoined my own) and which nobody else in our house ever troubled.”

Submitted by F H Lee

North Korean Diplomacy Limerick

November 10th, 2017

Said Trump: “Kim Jong Un, here’s the rub;
you’re a backwater, we are a hub.
So show me respect,
or Pyongyang will be wrecked
because I have a nuclear sub.”

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Halloween Limerick

November 1st, 2017

If you go out this Halloween night,
you’re certain to suffer a fright,
for ogres are romping,
the werewolves are chomping
and Dracula’s out for a bite.

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Ryanair Limerick

September 17th, 2017

When Ryanair offers you deals,
you pay extra for drinks and for meals.
But it seems from today
that the tariffs you pay
don’t suffice to afford enough wheels.

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Kim Jong-Un Limerick #2

September 13th, 2017

Putting on his inscrutable charm,
Kim Jong-Un says: “I mean no one harm;
but if sanctions remain,
I’ll no longer refrain
from nuking the s#@$ out of Guam.”

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X Factor Limerick

September 3rd, 2017

The X Factor makes us all think
that of stardom we’re all on the brink.
But when testing the power
of your voice in the shower,
The truth is you probably stink.

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