Funny Limericks For Everyone

The title has gone to Man City;
United lost out, what a pity!
The blues played sublime,
Won in injury time -
For Fergie, alas, it’s tough titty!

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Those millions of dollars must seem
quite substantial to purchase ‘The Scream’,
Coz I’ve got a hunch
that this picture by Munch
is spewed up tutti frutti ice cream.

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 A young Swedish spaceman named Laars
got ravenous travelling to Mars.
During two hungry spells
he ate ten solar cells -
now the sun’s shining out of his …. arms.

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An Anglican vicar named Ray,
Told his shocked congregation, “I’m gay.”
The churchfolk got snappy,
Then heard ‘gay’ means ‘happy’ -
And suddenly ‘gay’ was okay.

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Titanic’s proud captain decried
lack of speed as he headed Stateside.
Then the lookout, with zest,
shouted from the crow’s nest,
“There’s an iceberg ahead – pimp my ride!”

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Chocolate eggs cost a shedload of money,
So I don’t find the end of Lent funny;
When I’m gaining the pounds
Coz the chocolate abounds
I could strangle that darned Easter Bunny.

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Slightly edited

This website’s been mended at last;
Let’s dream up some lim’ricks and fast.
Yet we sit on our bums
And twiddle our thumbs
For our brains just aren’t working – oh blast!

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At some Third World weddings you find,
that home-distilled booze folk don’t mind.
Yet consuming fake whiskey
can prove rather risky
if half of your guests end up blind.

Yet another one from Paul

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No limericks posted in ages
To fill up this website’s fab pages.
Get active, don’t linger,
Just pull out your finger -
But don’t expect payment in wages.

Come on folks, don’t leave it all to Paul !!

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(A light-hearted response to the results of a weekly poetry competition)

I yelled and I stamped and I sobbed,
For my poem with votes wasn’t mobbed.
“Something’s fishy,” I hissed,
Feeling thoroughly pissed.
“Where’s the recount? It’s clear I’ve been robbed!”

Thanks  Paul

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A Scotsman who lived near the Clyde
Fell into a cesspool and died
His less-than-smart brother
Fell into another
Ther verdict in both–sewer-cide.

Thanks to Bruce Gillies for this submission

There was an old man of Blackheath
Who sat on his set of false teeth
Said he, with a start,
“O Lord bless my heart!
I’ve bitten myself underneath!”

Another from Rick Martin

There’s more than just one limerick,
Attempting to make me so sick;
It takes so much time
to find a great rhyme.
I might as well go eat pizza.

And another from Wilemutt

Harold and the Raptures (new age “Rock-of-Ages” group)

The rapture he said would appear,
Turned out to be not nowhere near
The angels weren’t “herald” (Harold)
when Camping’s clan barreled
to town and filled people with fear.

This ‘prophesy’ asked one debater,
THE END! Is it NOW? Is it LATER?
We laughed at this duffer,
Who really did suffer.
He sure used the wrong calculator.

Thanks to Wilemutt for his thoughts

Though Henry was henpecked and meek
And much too downtrodden to speak,
He ended the strife
Of a horrible wife
With a shove from a mountainous peak

More From Paul Freeman

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There was an old man from Darjeeling
Who once lifted himself to the ceiling.
“I’m a Yogi” he cried,
as he instantly died.
Broke his head on the floor, most revealing!

Also written in 1999 by Rick Martin

There was a young girl from Calcutta
whose Love life was all in a clutter
The more she was fed,
the less she could wed.
And she ended her life in the gutter!

An original one from Rick Martin (written in 1999)

A limerick is a hard thing to fashion.
It takes wit and some form of passion.
But as you can so tell.
This ain’t all that swell.
It will likely get no reaction.

This one is from Andy Newton

Two tooters began to toot
Without expectation of loot.
Their tooting supernal,
All day and nocturnal,
Was simply done for a hoot.

Another one from Henry Wedel

The end is near, spake he
It’s clear for all to see.
A yearly subscription,
will give the description
For a modest annual fee

Submitted by Henry Wedel

There once was a yellow-tailed fish,
Whose appearance was very delish.
I introduced him to matoes,
And also potatoes
And now he’s my favorite dish!

Thanks to Mike Kernan for this contribution

There was an old boozer named Gabriel
Who would scribble scandalous doggerel
And then howl it shrilly
Like a backwoods hillbilly
To his best buddies at Café Real.

Many thanks to Vikshev for this one

The folk in a cafe who slurp’ll
Earn plaudits, whilst others who berp’ll
Hear no yell or curse
From this poet whose verse
Can at last use that tricky word ‘purple’.

More clever rhyming from Paul.

Let’s have one that uses the word orange !!

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There once was a man from Seattle
Who fought in a great naval battle
He was cast out to sea
But then fortunately
He swam to the nearest Seattle!

Thanks to Daniel Lee Mishkin

Who also added “That’s probably the only ‘clean’ one I have”

Julius’ head was quite tarnished -
the splinters were sticking out far-ish.
The Youth league adherents
fixed his appearance,
by using sandpaper and varnish.

Thanks to Morné Fouché for this

There once was an old woman who
Got re-housed in a ramshackle shoe.
She was burdened by tons
Of daughters and sons.
Fam’ly planning? She hadn’t a clue!

From the prolific Paul

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There was a young lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin,
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

Thanks to Lavisha for this one

I once heard a tale of a bird
Who one day flew into a turd
While a cow chewing cud
Tripped and fell in the mud
It’s the dirtiest limerick I’ve heard.

Another from David

http://davesbigfatlimericksite.weebly.com/

A daring young fellow called Midge
Took a bungee jump off of a bridge.
But his numbers were wrong
And the cord was too long,
So he’s now in the county morgue fridge.

Another from Paul

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There was a young boy from eugowra
Who from his backside grew a flower
The doctor just said
You must stay in bed
Before the situation gets sour

From Fredy Jones (Slightly edited)