Some bankers have been rather lax,
helping customers fiddle their tax;
and when things got fraught,
to avoid getting caught,
they hurriedly covered their tracks.
Some bankers have been rather lax,
There once was a lady aghast
at how quickly time had passed
one day they walk
another they talk
and next their feet grow far too fast!
There once was a mother of twins
listening to the battle of kins
I’m going to kill you
I’ll kill you too
it’ll be lonely for the one who wins…
A lady with very loud kids
although she loved them to bits
she decided to act
it is now a fact
a bit of ducttape saves your wits!
Cornelia Weissfloch (Slightly edited to make them scan)
I’m wearing a weird kind of dress,
whose colours are tricky to guess.
And though risking rebuke,
I’ll admit that it’s puke –
from a dodgy fruit salad, no less.
Some Chelsea fans got on a train
in Paris and couldn’t refrain
from behaving like louts,
using vile racist shouts,
just to prove English thugs don’t have brains.
There once was a woman a little lost
About life, work , and the lack of frost
This is winter season
Without rhyme or reason
I need to feel miserably cold at all cost!
There once was a woman up high
About to give eloping a try
Snow is falling
The slopes are calling
I’m going skiing, goodbye!
There once was a woman so hairy
Even her husband found her scary
Get rid of the fluff
And the prickly stuff
It’s not a bear I wanted to marry!
A romantic trout, name of Blue,
Went to his girlfriend to woo:
She egged in the silt,
He squirted his milt,
“Was it good for you too?”
Another from Leonard G. Allmon
At the Tabard, said Harry one day,
In a friendly and jocular way,
We’re in no real hurry
To reach Canterbury,
So let’s have some tales on the way.
Thanks to Leonard G. Allmon for this.
A Viking went sailing Down Under
and returned with some very strange plunder.
For who needs a roo
or a didgeridoo
in the land of Valhalla, I wonder.
Said Michael, “I barely could stand;
Thus I drove, so I ought to be banned.
In addition to which
I threw up in a ditch
And practised front crawl on dry land.
In Cambridge, Prince William, the Duke,
Said, “My wife has been labelled a kook.
For when she’s with child,
Her stomach gets riled,
And everything’s covered in puke.”
There once was a woman so white
one look at her legs and you might
be strongly advised
to close both your eyes
or altogether losing your sight!
There once was a woman so hot
her brain it did melt on the spot
She said “I need a pool
to to try and keep cool
but how to get there I forgot!”
Thanks to Cornelia Weissfloch for these
The fans of a wretched Brazil
Watched Germany out for the kill.
But there’s one silver lining,
So stop all this whining –
At least it was not twenty nil.
Said Suarez: “The Press call me ‘Lecter’,
Like some kind of man-eating spectre.
Which may well be true,
Coz between me and you,
I find folk as tasty as nectar.”
Said Suarez, “Who needs a medallion,
When my appetite’s that of a stallion.
So forget the World Cup,
For I’d rather sup
On the neck of a juicy Italian.”
The Spaniards believed they would slay
The Dutch, or else hold them at bay.
But the Netherlands team
Were ruling supreme
And shouted out, five times, “Olé!”
Brazilians couldn’t abide
A loss that would dent national pride.
So winning was sealed
With twelve men on the field,
Including the ref on their side.
Queen Kim, at an interview, said:
“My equal I’ve found, so we’ve wed.
But unlike you sad plebs,
We are famous celebs,
Though we’re both rather crass and ill-bred.”
Said ‘modest’ new groom, Kanye West:
“My wedding was simply the best.
So if uninvited,
Just count yourself slighted,
And if on the guest list, feel blessed.”
Beyonce did not appear miffed
When her sister went ape in a lift.
And we’re all asking, “Why
Would she calmly stand by
And watch as her husband got biffed?”
Bob Hoskins was famously frank
’bout his films- if they’re good or they’re rank.
And in line with this habit,
he liked Roger Rabbit,
but Mario Brothers – they stank!
A uni-browed maiden once sucked
in her breath as her eyebrows got plucked.
“But without this,” she said,
“a damsel can’t wed,
for her chances of marriage are … not very good.”
Jack Warner said, “Though it sounds lame,
it’s not really me you should blame.
For who can say ‘No!’
to a mountain of dough?
It’s just part of ‘The Beautiful Game’.”
Said Toni: “I play in attack,
and the fight against racists I back.
So folks, why complain,
if to aid the campaign,
I learn how it feels to be black?”
Said Vladimir, “Folk in Ukraine
are proving a bit of a pain.
So to reinstate order,
I’m crossing the border
and may carry on through to Spain.”
St. Valentine’s Day can be bliss,
as long a man’s not remiss.
For buying a present
ensures the night’s pleasant,
with more than a cuddle and kiss.
Donating blood is quite easy
They give you a ball that is squeezy
It always seems fun
(At least when you’re done)
Only once did it make me feel queasy!
Pete was a very odd fellow
He loved to make lemon jello
But he did not savor
The stuff for its flavor –
He used it to paint his house yellow.
When changing a two-year-old’s diaper
You must be a diligent wiper
If you don’t get it clean
You’ll see what I mean
The smell will get riper and riper.
Said Jenny, “Third place! What a thrill!
To snowboard in Sochi was brill.
And at age thirty-three,
You’ll have to agree,
I’ve proved I’m not over the hill.”
There was a versemonger G. Black
Who was totally taken aback
Upon learning that rhymes
Can be female sometimes,
Which fact prompted his smuttiest crack.
Submitted by Vikshev