Jeremy Clarkson Limerick – 2

March 26th, 2015

Poor Jezza was in a foul mood,
when offered a plate of cold food.
Then blaming his crew,
the words and fists flew,
for which he may well end up sued.

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Jeremy Clarkson Limerick

March 26th, 2015

Thought Clarkson, ‘It’s fun to let rip,
and punch someone straight in the lip.’
But it seems that this time
he’s crossed a red line,
so farewell, au revoir, toodle pip.

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England’s Cricketing Debacle

March 10th, 2015

Alas, England’s cricketers slumped,
and out of the tourney were dumped.
And back home in Blighty,
a country once mighty
at cricket feels thoroughly stumped.

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Sleep

March 6th, 2015

A woman unable to sleep
who got so bored that she could weep
she tossed and turned
and the lesson she learned
is at night you can only count on sheep

Cornelia Weissfloch

Politics

March 6th, 2015

There once was a woman in awe
of all politicians she saw
I too want to talk
and walk the walk
And completely ignore the law!

Cornelia Weissfloch

Bankers Limerick

March 2nd, 2015

Some bankers have been rather lax,
helping customers fiddle their tax;
and when things got fraught,
to avoid getting caught,
they hurriedly covered their tracks.

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Kids

March 1st, 2015

There once was a lady aghast
at how quickly time had passedhttp://www.funny-limericks-for-everyone.co.uk/wp-admin/edit.php
one day they walk
another they talk
and next their feet grow far too fast!

There once was a mother of twins
listening to the battle of kins
I’m going to kill you
I’ll kill you too
it’ll be lonely for the one who wins…

A lady with very loud kids
although she loved them to bits
she decided to act
it is now a fact
a bit of ducttape saves your wits!

Cornelia Weissfloch (Slightly edited to make them scan)

Weird Dress Limerick

March 1st, 2015

I’m wearing a weird kind of dress,
whose colours are tricky to guess.
And though risking rebuke,
I’ll admit that it’s puke –
from a dodgy fruit salad, no less.

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Football Facists

February 22nd, 2015

Some Chelsea fans got on a train
in Paris and couldn’t refrain
from behaving like louts,
using vile racist shouts,
just to prove English thugs don’t have brains.

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Winter

February 22nd, 2015

There once was a woman a little lost
About life, work , and the lack of frost
This is winter season
Without rhyme or reason
I need to feel miserably cold at all cost!

There once was a woman up high
About to give eloping a try
Snow is falling
The slopes are calling
I’m going skiing, goodbye!

There once was a woman so hairy
Even her husband found her scary
Get rid of the fluff
And the prickly stuff
It’s not a bear I wanted to marry!

Cornelia Weissfloch

Romantic Fish

December 23rd, 2014

A romantic trout, name of Blue,
Went to his girlfriend to woo:
She egged in the silt,
He squirted his milt,
Then asked,
“Was it good for you too?”

Another from Leonard G. Allmon

Canterbury Tales

December 23rd, 2014

At the Tabard, said Harry one day,
In a friendly and jocular way,
We’re in no real hurry
To reach Canterbury,
So let’s have some tales on the way.

Thanks to Leonard G. Allmon for this.

The Viking Who Went Down Under

December 17th, 2014

A Viking went sailing Down Under
and returned with some very strange plunder.
For who needs a roo
or a didgeridoo
in the land of Valhalla, I wonder.

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Michael Phelps Limerick (2)

October 1st, 2014

Said Michael, “I barely could stand;
Thus I drove, so I ought to be banned.
In addition to which
I threw up in a ditch
And practised front crawl on dry land.

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https://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/news/swimming-olympic-u-s-swimming-champion-phelps-arrested-163247232–spt.html



The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge Limerick

October 1st, 2014

In Cambridge, Prince William, the Duke,
Said, “My wife has been labelled a kook.
For when she’s with child,
Her stomach gets riled,
And everything’s covered in puke.”

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Summer….

July 26th, 2014

There once was a woman so white
one look at her legs and you might
be strongly advised
to close both your eyes
or altogether losing your sight!

There once was a woman so hot
her brain it did melt on the spot
She said “I need a pool
to to try and keep cool
but how to get there I forgot!”

Thanks to Cornelia Weissfloch for these

World Cup Limerick 5

July 10th, 2014

The fans of a wretched Brazil
Watched Germany out for the kill.
But there’s one silver lining,
So stop all this whining –
At least it was not twenty nil.

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Luis Suarez Limerick 2

June 26th, 2014

Said Suarez: “The Press call me ‘Lecter’,
Like some kind of man-eating spectre.
Which may well be true,
Coz between me and you,
I find folk as tasty as nectar.”

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Luis Suarez Limerick 1

June 26th, 2014

Said Suarez, “Who needs a medallion,
When my appetite’s that of a stallion.
So forget the World Cup,
For I’d rather sup
On the neck of a juicy Italian.”

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World Cup Limerick 2 – Spain v Holland

June 15th, 2014

The Spaniards believed they would slay
The Dutch, or else hold them at bay.
But the Netherlands team
Were ruling supreme
And shouted out, five times, “Olé!”

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World Cup Limerick 1 – Brazil v Croatia

June 15th, 2014

Brazilians couldn’t abide
A loss that would dent national pride.
So winning was sealed
With twelve men on the field,
Including the ref on their side.

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Kim Kardashian Limerick

May 26th, 2014

Queen Kim, at an interview, said:
“My equal I’ve found, so we’ve wed.
But unlike you sad plebs,
We are famous celebs,
Though we’re both rather crass and ill-bred.”

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Kanye West Limerick

May 25th, 2014

Said ‘modest’ new groom, Kanye West:
“My wedding was simply the best.
So if uninvited,
Just count yourself slighted,
And if on the guest list, feel blessed.”

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Beyonce Limerick

May 18th, 2014

Beyonce did not appear miffed
When her sister went ape in a lift.
And we’re all asking, “Why
Would she calmly stand by
And watch as her husband got biffed?”

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Bob Hoskins Limerick

May 7th, 2014

Bob Hoskins was famously frank
’bout his films- if they’re good or they’re rank.
And in line with this habit,
he liked Roger Rabbit,
but Mario Brothers – they stank!

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Medieval Plucked Eyebrows Limerick!

March 23rd, 2014

A uni-browed maiden once sucked
in her breath as her eyebrows got plucked.
“But without this,” she said,
“a damsel can’t wed,
for her chances of marriage are … not very good.”

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Jack Warner Limerick

March 18th, 2014

Jack Warner said, “Though it sounds lame,
it’s not really me you should blame.
For who can say ‘No!’
to a mountain of dough?
It’s just part of ‘The Beautiful Game’.”

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http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/news/world-cup-paper-round-fifa-official-warner-paid-023654475–sow.html

Toni Duggan Limerick

March 13th, 2014

Said Toni: “I play in attack,
and the fight against racists I back.
So folks, why complain,
if to aid the campaign,
I learn how it feels to be black?”

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http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/blogs/early-doors/kick-ambassador-sorry-blacking-fancy-dress-party-132906248.html?bcmt_s=m#ugccmt-container

Mr Putin Limerick 1

March 13th, 2014

Said Vladimir, “Folk in Ukraine
are proving a bit of a pain.
So to reinstate order,
I’m crossing the border
and may carry on through to Spain.”

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St. Valentine’s Day Limerick

February 15th, 2014

St. Valentine’s Day can be bliss,
as long a man’s not remiss.
For buying a present
ensures the night’s pleasant,
with more than a cuddle and kiss.

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