Archive for July, 2008

Isaac Newton

Thursday, July 31st, 2008

Isaac Newton was clever it’s said
A thinker and very well read
So it seems odd to me
He’d sit under a tree
Letting apples fall on to his head

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

The Man From Kilbride

Wednesday, July 30th, 2008

There was a young man from Kilbride
Who fell down a sewer and died
His unfortunate brother
Fell down another
And now they’re interred side by side

Education can damage your health

Tuesday, July 29th, 2008

A maiden at college, Miss Keyes,
Weighed down with BA’s and Lit. D’s
Collapsed from the strain
Said her doctor, “It’s plain
You’re killing yourself by degrees”

The Pelican

Monday, July 28th, 2008

A remarkable bird is the pelican.
Its mouth can hold more than its belly can
It can hold in its beak
Enough food for a week.
I’m blowed if I know how the hell he can

The young man from Devizes

Sunday, July 27th, 2008

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose legs were of different sizes.
One was so small,
It was no use at all
But the other one  won several prizes

(The original wasn’t so clean)

A Young Man Called Dave

Saturday, July 26th, 2008

There once was a young man called Dave
Who decided to live in a cave
He said” I’ll be free
To do as I please,
And think of the money I’ll save”.

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

The Barmaid

Friday, July 25th, 2008

There was a young gunner called Loader
Wouldn’t pay the barmaid what he owed her
“You skinflint” she said
He just nodded his head
So she spat in his whisky and soda

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

The Schizophrenic

Thursday, July 24th, 2008

A young schizophrenic named Struther
Who learned of the death of his Brother
Said, “I know that its bad
But I don’t feel too sad
After all, I still have each other”.

The Vicar

Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008

I once took our vicar to tea
It was just as I thought it would be
His rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me.

John Logie Baird

Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008

A clever man John Logie Baird
Invented TV it is said
Stooky Bill was the star
Much better by far than
Big Brother which we get instead

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

Windows

Monday, July 21st, 2008

Now I think that Bill Gates is sweet
His Windows just cannot be beat
For when it is ailing
and keeps right on failing
I just press Ctr Alt Delete

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

The Wart

Sunday, July 20th, 2008

There was a young man from Montrose
Who grew a large wart on his nose
His friends ran away
And he heard them all say
“I don’t think I want one of those”

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

The Sparrow

Saturday, July 19th, 2008

There once was a plucky young sparrow
Who tried to make off with a marrow
The result of his cheek
Was a badly strained beak
And his friends wheeled him home in a barrow

The Non-Rhyming Limerick

Friday, July 18th, 2008

There was a young man from Dundee
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
he said “No, not a bit,
It can do it again if it likes.”

The Girl From Virginia

Thursday, July 17th, 2008

There was a young girl from Virginia
Who went on a diet to get skinnier
She tried to relate
What she ate to her weight
But alas the results were not linear