Archive for October, 2008

May I Have The Next Dance?

Friday, October 31st, 2008

“May I ask if you’d like the next dance?”
Said the man with the curious stance
But the girl shook her head
And then sweetly said,
“With those two wooden legs not a chance!”

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The Old Man From Ely

Thursday, October 30th, 2008

There once was an old man from Ely
Who spoke to his wife in Swahili
For as she could speak
Only English and Greek
He could use it to swear at her freely

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Pumaless

Wednesday, October 29th, 2008

There once was a fellow from Yuma
Told an elephant joke to a puma
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies
As the Puma had no sense of humour

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Singing Betty

Tuesday, October 28th, 2008

Young Betty who sang in the choir
Had a voice that rose higher and higher
But it reached such a height
It went clear out of sight,
And was found the next day in the spire

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Fresh

Monday, October 27th, 2008

There was an old widower Doyle
Who wrapped up his dead wife in foil
He thought it would please her
To stay in the freezer
Because if he didn’t she’d spoil

She Is Heavy

Sunday, October 26th, 2008

A girl who weighed many an ounce
Used language I dare not pronounce
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see (so he said) if she’d bounce

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Cough Cough

Saturday, October 25th, 2008

There once was an old man called Goffin
Who said in a fine fit of coughin
“It isn’t the cough
That’ll carry me off
It’s the coffin they’ll carry me off in.”

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P p p p Please

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

There was an old man of Calcutta
Who had the most terrible stutter
He said “p p please
P p pass me the ch cheese
And the b b b bread and the butter”

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Maltese Lady

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008

A evil young woman from Malta
Killed her poor aunt with a halter
She said ‘I won’t bury her
She’ll do for my terrier
She should keep for a month, if I salt her”

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Make Your Own Bed

Tuesday, October 21st, 2008

At an old B & B in South Wales
Where the customer service just fails
There’s a sign that I read
Says ‘Please make your own bed’
We’ll provide you the hammer and nails

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Prickly Problem

Monday, October 20th, 2008

Today I woke up with a yawn
And went down to the garden at dawn
Where I gasped in surprise
At the height and the size
Of the thistles invading the lawn

The Scooter

Sunday, October 19th, 2008

There was a young man named De Souta
Who rode into church on his scooter
He ran into the Dean
And said: “Sorry old bean
I ought to have sounded my hooter”

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The Kentish Maid

Saturday, October 18th, 2008

There once was a young maid of Kent
Whose nose was so long that it bent
She followed her nose
One day, I suppose
And no one quite knows where she went

Lean Jean

Friday, October 17th, 2008

There was a young lady called Jean
Who grew so incredibly lean
And flat, and compressed
That her back touched her chest
And sideways she couldn’t be seen

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Speedy

Thursday, October 16th, 2008

There was a young woman named Bright
Whose speed was much faster than light
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night

Rose’s Nose

Wednesday, October 15th, 2008

There was a young lady named Rose
Who had a large wart on her nose
When she had it removed
Her appearance improved
But her glasses slipped down to her toes

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The Erudite Ermine

Tuesday, October 14th, 2008

Said an envious, erudite ermine
“There’s one thing I cannot determine
When a girl wears my coat
She’s a person of note
But when I wear it, I’m just called vermin!”

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The Painter

Monday, October 13th, 2008

A painter, who lived in Great Britain
Interrupted two girls with their knittin
He said, with a sigh
“That park bench, well I
Just painted it, right where you’re sittin”

Could Have Been Worse

Sunday, October 12th, 2008

There was an old man in a hearse
Who murmured, “This might have been worse;
Of course the expense
Is simply immense,
But it doesn’t come out of my purse.”

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Party Animal

Saturday, October 11th, 2008

There was a young man so benighted
He never knew when he was slighted
He would go to a party
And eat just as hearty
As if he’d been really invited.

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The Major

Friday, October 10th, 2008

A major, with wonderful force
Called out in Hyde Park for a horse
All the flowers looked round
But no horse could be found
So he just rhododendron, of course.

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Emails & Females

Thursday, October 9th, 2008

A young man sent copious emails
To various dubious females,
When asked what they said
He just smiled and went red
And replied “I can’t go into details”.

Dead Drunk

Wednesday, October 8th, 2008

A little old man on the hill
Was so drunk he couldn’t keep still
He gave a great lurch
And fell off his perch
And that’s why we’re reading his will

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Cannibal Lady

Tuesday, October 7th, 2008

A cannibal lady from Streatham
Searched for Mr Right but hadn’t met him
Then finally one day
Mr Wrong came her way
So she boiled him up, then she ett him

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Hugh The Vegan

Monday, October 6th, 2008

A spotty young vegan named Hugh
Picked up the wrong sandwich to chew.
He took a large bite
Then shouted in fright
“Flipping heck, what is this, Barbeque!”

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Mills Pills

Sunday, October 5th, 2008

There once was a rich man called Mills
Who was constantly swallowing pills
He spent all his wealth
Protecting his health
But the bills for the pills made him ill

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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The Old Man’s Plan

Saturday, October 4th, 2008

There once was a clever old man
Who had an ingenious plan
He married young Jenny
While still dating Penny
But still found some time for Suzanne

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Play With The Traffic

Friday, October 3rd, 2008

There once was a lady called Draper
On the motorway quite liked to caper
But she had some bad luck
And was hit by a truck
So off of the road they did scrape her

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Chilly Chinchilla

Thursday, October 2nd, 2008

If you catch a chinchilla in Chile
And cut off its beard, willy-nilly
You can honestly say
That you have just made
A Chilean chinchilla’s chin chilly

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The Gourmand

Wednesday, October 1st, 2008

An gourmand while dining in Crewe
Found an very large mouse in his stew
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout
And wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one too.”