Archive for November, 2008

The Old Man Of Madrid

Sunday, November 30th, 2008

There was an old man of Madrid,
Who went to an auction to bid;
He bought, if you please,
A case of old cheese-
But oh, Gosh! when they lifted the lid!

The Baker

Saturday, November 29th, 2008

There once was a baker named Dunn,
Who always was out for the fun,
And although it was said
He was very well bred,
He spent all his dough on a “bun”!

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The Sculptor

Friday, November 28th, 2008

There was an old sculptor named Phidias,
Whose knowledge of Art was invidious.
He carved Aphrodite
Without any nightie
Which startled the purely fastidious.

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The Skye Lady

Thursday, November 27th, 2008

There was a young lady of Skye,
With a shape like a capital I ;
She said, “It’s too bad!
But then I can pad,’
Which shows you that figures can lie.

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Sneak Out Of Church

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

There was a young man who said, “There,
I will sneak out during this prayer!*’
But the squeak of his shoes
So enlivened the pews,
That he sat down again in despair.

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So Homely

Tuesday, November 25th, 2008

She’s so homely you’d think she would smother,
And her back view is just like her brother.
Her eyes are both bent,
And her nose is a dent;
But then, ” she’s so good to her mother! “

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Young Person Called Groat

Monday, November 24th, 2008

Said a sporty young person named Groat,
Who owned an old race-horse of note,
” I consider it smart
To lunch a la carte,
But the horse always takes table d’oat.”

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Apologies (several)

Sunday, November 23rd, 2008

Firstly I must apologise for there being a lack of content over the past week. Life has a habit of dropping things in your lap which get in the way of more important things such as keeping a blog updated. Hopefully things will get back to normal now 🙂

Secondly, if it was you that sent the limerick in with the subject Mother Goose Humor, could you please re-submit it? My spam filter zapped it!! Sorry about that.

Thirdly, thanks Tom for your submission (The Bored Golfers), but not really suitable for the whole family. Please do submit more though, but clean ones.

More limericks to follow……………………

A Frog Named Fine

Friday, November 14th, 2008

Another one from Briony

There once was a frog named Fine
Who liked to sit on a chime
He slipped in the pond
Because his friend James Bond
And now he is stuck in the pine

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Archibold Ross

Thursday, November 13th, 2008

Thank you Briony for submitting this

A dentist named Archibold Ross
Was in love with a lady, Miss Moss
When they first got together
He did not know whether
He could call her his dental floss

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The Young Man From Rangoon

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

There was a young man from Rangoon
Used to sing by the light of the moon
This the people enjoyed
But his singing annoyed
A very ferocious baboon

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Nice Tart

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

While quietly eating a tart
A very loud noise made me start
But I didn’t worry
Twas Edwina Currie
Selling eggs from her old horse and cart

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Nice Cup Of Tea

Monday, November 10th, 2008

While drinking a cup of Darjeeling
I noticed it started congealing
It set like meringue
Then went off with a bang
I’m still scraping it off of the ceiling

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Hot Pasta

Sunday, November 9th, 2008

Whilst playing a game of canasta
The hostess cooked up some hot pasta
Which she tipped on my head
And then quietly said
“How’s that for an albino Rasta”

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Beautiful Teeth

Saturday, November 8th, 2008

Her teeth were so beautiful and white
As the stars that sparkled so bright
Although they were pretty
It seemed such a pity
Like the stars they came out at night

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Unfinished Limericks

Friday, November 7th, 2008

There was a young man from Lenor
Whose limericks stopped at line four
“I’ve tried and I’ve tried
To finish he cried”

There was a young man from Dundee
Whose limericks stopped at line three
Because he got bored

There was a young lady from Crewe
Whose limericks stopped at line two

There was a young lady from Trun

Copyright 2008 © Alan Simonds

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Hats In Church

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

There once was an old man called Stratton
Who went into church with his hat on.
“If I wake up,” he said,
“With my hat on my head,
I will know that it hasn’t been sat on.”

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The Twickenham Bus

Wednesday, November 5th, 2008

There was a young lady from Ickenham
Who went on a bus-trip to Twickenham
She drank too much beer
Which made her feel queer
So she took off her boots and was sick-in-’em

Bump In The Night

Tuesday, November 4th, 2008

Things that go ‘bump’ in the night
Should not really give one a fright
It’s the hole in each ear
That lets in the fear
That, and the absence of light!

Spike Milligan

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Pickled

Monday, November 3rd, 2008

There once was a lady named Perkins
Who simply doted on Gherkins
She found them so nice
But she ate too much spice
And has pickled her internal workin’s

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Great Cook

Sunday, November 2nd, 2008

A wonderful cook is young Betty
Preparing delicious spaghetti
And chicken Madras
I could go for the lass
If she didn’t resemble a yeti

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The Peruvian Shoe

Saturday, November 1st, 2008

There was a young man from Peru
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe
He woke with a fright
In the dead of the night
To find that his dream had come true

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