Archive for December, 2008

D.U.I.

Wednesday, December 31st, 2008

An avid sightseer named Bernie,
quite sotted set out on a journey.
Fell asleep at wheel
of his automobile
and took his last trip on a gurney.

Lee Durben

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The Siberian Monk

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

There was as an old monk of Siberia
Whose life just got drearier and drearier.
Till he lept from his cell
With a very loud yell
And eloped with the Mother Superior.

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The Sentimental Dentist

Monday, December 29th, 2008

A dentist who lives in Duluth
Has married a widow named Ruth,
He is is so sentimental
Concerning things dental
That he calls his dear Second his Two’th.

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Young Jane

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

There was a young lady named Jane,
Who went for a walk in the rain;
Her skirts were so lacey
And really quite racey,
It drove all the fellas insane.

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The Old Lady Of Threedle

Saturday, December 27th, 2008

There was an old lady of Threedle,
Who sat down in church on a needle;
Though deeply embedded,
‘Twas luckily threaded,
And quickly pulled out by the beadle

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The Birmingham Lassies

Friday, December 26th, 2008

There once were three lassies of Birmingham,
And I know a sad story concerning ’em.
They stuck needles and pins,
In the right rev’rend’s shins
Of the bishop engaged in confirming ’em.

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The Florida Hotel

Thursday, December 25th, 2008

A man in a hotel in Florida,
Got his bill from the clerk in the corridor,
And the more things he read,
The more things that he said,
And the latter grew torrid and torrider.

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Oh Christmas Tree

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

At Christmas you’d expect to see
A fairy on top of the tree
But let the kids loose
and you might find a moose
Not quite right, I think you’ll agree 🙂

Merry Christmas and a happy, healthy and prosperous New Year

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Magic

Wednesday, December 24th, 2008

The magician was quite debonair
as he pulled quarters out of our hair.
When he passed all that money
to an under-fed bunny
it just vanished into thin hare. (air)

Lee Durben

Brain Strain

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008

The newest mathematical invention
Is to work in higher dimensions
Although hard to envision
It should not cause derision
Simply ‘cause it defies comprehension

Submitted By Kevin Korpi

You can read his blog at http://korpisworld.blogspot.com/

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Horticulture

Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008

As the soil in her garden grew hotter,
she added some compost and water.
She wore no shoes or boots,
now her feet have grown roots,
come fall we may have to re-pot her.

Lee Durben

Young Gauss

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

Young Gauss had to go number one
But couldn’t ’til summing was done
This young math whiz
Took care of his biz
And finished both before others begun

Submitted By Kevin Korpi

You can read his blog at http://korpisworld.blogspot.com/

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Chuck Norris

Sunday, December 21st, 2008

There’s nothing Chuck Norris can’t do
He can take people out with his shoe.
He’s everyone’s hero
But he divided by zero
And out of the window Math flew.

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Confession

Saturday, December 20th, 2008

In Brazil, a high ranking prelate,
when in years he was near ninety-eight,
admitted at last
that oft’ in the past,
he had not always been celibate.

Lee Durben

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The Prima Donna

Friday, December 19th, 2008

Quite upset, the great prima donna
Cried “Heavens, my voice is a gonna!”
But a cat in the wings
Cried, “I know how she sings,”
And finished the solo with honor.

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Be Careful What You Wish For

Thursday, December 18th, 2008

I knew a short fellow named Igor.
Had had just one thing  he realy wished for.
In his prayers he’d entreat,
Let me grow ’bout two feet.
It was granted and now he has four.

Eating Out

Wednesday, December 17th, 2008

A rude waitress at the Big Dipper,
Spilled very hot soup on my zipper.
With remarks that were lewd,
profanity she spewed.
Paid for my food but didn’t tip her.

Lee Durben

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Scammed !!

Tuesday, December 16th, 2008

From Lee Durban

You sold me this pair of pajamas
and said they had once been Obama’s.
There’s a tag in this bag,
proves, you sly scalawag,
those pajama’s were really yo’ mama’s.

And my reply

I’ll admit that they were not Obama’s
But what makes you think they’re my mama’s
If you re-read the tag
(I know it’s a fag)
But you’ll see they’re the old Dalai Lama’s

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Limerick Writing

Monday, December 15th, 2008

Lee’s take on limericks

Have enjoyed them since first I did sight ’em,
Not thinking that I’d ever write ’em
Now this form of expression,
Has become an obsession,
And I write ’em ad infinitum.

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Artists And Models

Sunday, December 14th, 2008

An old sculptor who oft drank absinthe,
Asked his model to pose on a plinth.
She said “I will not,
You drunken old sot.”
And she never has posed for him sinth.

Or the alternative

An old sculptor who oft drank absinthe,
Asked his model to pose on a plinth.
She said “I will not,
You drunken old sot,
Go back to your home in Corinth.”

Lee Durben

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Dirty Old Man

Saturday, December 13th, 2008

More from Lee (He is quite prolific)

An unbathed churchgoer named Herman.
Just could not sit still though the sermon.
The Deacon, quite nervous
cried out” Saints preserve us,
Old Herman is squirmin with vermin.”

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Dome Poem

Friday, December 12th, 2008

From Lee Durben

A vain balding man named Brad Winkels,
Alarmed that his scalp now had wrinkles,
Had it plated with gold,
covered up every fold,
And now when the sunshines, it twinkles.

Surely, there must be more visitors who have some original limericks?

Submit them, together with a link to your website or blog and they will be included here.

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Waist Watchers

Thursday, December 11th, 2008

And another one from Lee Durben

Those big breakfasts, hot off the griddle,
I’ve enjoyed ever since I was little,
have now doubled the size
of my rump and my thighs,
and tripled the girth of my middle.

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McCloud’s Bagpipes

Wednesday, December 10th, 2008

There was a young man called McCloud,
Who played the on bagpipes quite loud,
He was hit by a brick,
At the very first lick,
But he thanked his detractors and bowed.

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Dance

Tuesday, December 9th, 2008

Contributed by Lee Durben

I was hoping to spark a romance,
So I asked a young lady to dance.
But she said with a sneer
“No chance with you Dear”
Then she waltzed off with Sponge Bob Square Pants.

Thanks Lee

Freckled Clara

Monday, December 8th, 2008

A freckled young damsel named Clara
Who wished to grow fairer and fairer;
So she tried cream of tartar,
With the faith of a marytr,
And her freckles grew rarer and rarer.

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Bad Pet Bad Pet

Sunday, December 7th, 2008

Contributed by Lee Durben

A brash little girl named Anita,
Asked her parents to buy her a cheetah.
“For a pet choose another”,
Said her father and mother,
” Anita, a cheetah might eat ya.”

Thanks Lee, keep em coming 🙂

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The Economy

Saturday, December 6th, 2008

From Lee Durben

Iraq’s economy’s  robust,
While ours has bitten the dust.
Sometimes I wonder,
What goes on over yonder?
And who in the hell can we trust?

(slightly edited)

Beware Of The Dog

Friday, December 5th, 2008

Contributed by Lee Durben

My dog comes from Natches
He growls, bites and scratches.
If you try to break in,
He’ll go for your chin,
And your face will surely need patches.

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Old Lady From Spain

Thursday, December 4th, 2008

There was an old lady from Spain
Who the rigor of mortis did feign;
She came to with a shout,
Saying: “Please let me out;
This coffin will drive me insane.”