Archive for January, 2009

Bad Spelling

Saturday, January 31st, 2009

A teacher whose spelling’s unique,
Wrote down all the days of the week
The first he spelt “Sonday,”
The second day “Munday”
And now a new teacher they seek.

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I’d Rather Have

Friday, January 30th, 2009

I’d rather have fingers than toes,
I’d rather have ears than a nose!
And as for my hair,
I’m so glad it’s all there;
I’ll be awfuly sad when it goes.

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Britney And Dwayne

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

If you are called Britney or Dwayne
You’re considered a “Chav” by your name
By Activities Abroad
Who have put out the word
From their holidays you must abstain

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Bug Eyed Teen

Wednesday, January 28th, 2009

As our Homecoming Queen, Norma Jean,
wore a silk gown of deep aubergine.
The gown was so tight,
that I thought It might,
bare more of Jean than I’d ever seen.

Lee Durben

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Dream Of Me

Tuesday, January 27th, 2009

“Will you dream of me, tonight dear Jill?”
When she answered he heard with a thrill:
“You know I’ve a habit,
Of eating Welsh rarebit,
And it’s likely as not that I will.”

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Travel

Monday, January 26th, 2009

The next time I travel, I know
The direction that that I want to go.
The warmth of AZ(ee)
Is screaming at me
To get away from this blankety snow!

Dot Smith

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What Do We Do With The Baby?

Sunday, January 25th, 2009

There once was a baby of yore,
But no one knew what it was for,
They were so afraid
That it might get mislaid,
So they put it away in a drawer.

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Half Time

Saturday, January 24th, 2009

A certain pop star who’s named Janet,
on a film clip seen all round the planet,
had a wardrobe malfunction
at a major sports function,
but she still swears that she didn’t plan it

Lee Durben

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Spilt Ink

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

There was a young man called Leadbetter
Who sat down to write a long letter.
When he picked up the ink,
His heart it did sink,
For he spilled some all over his sweater.

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The Fallen Student

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

There once was a student named Greening,
Who fell down four flights without meaning.
The caretaker swore,
As he struck the ground floor:
“It’ll take all the afternoon cleaning.”

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Aphrodite

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

There was a young lady called Clytie
Saw a statue of nude Aphrodite.
“Do you like it?” said I.
“Yes,” was her swift reply.
“But I think she’s forgotten her nightie.”

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Cheesy

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
That my mum was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”

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Religious Birds

Monday, January 19th, 2009

There were three little birds in a wood,
Who always sang hymns when they could,
What the words were about
They could never work out,
But they felt they were doing them good.

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Brewster The Thief

Sunday, January 18th, 2009

A light-fingered fellow called Brewster,
Declared, “I’ shan’t steal as I used ta.”
But he fell with a swoop
On the first chicken coop
That he saw, and made off with a rooster.

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Barefoot Lady

Saturday, January 17th, 2009

A barefoot young lady from Twickenham
Bought shoes ’cause she thought she’d walk quick in ’em;
She walked for a mile
And then sat on a stile,
With out further ado she was sick in ’em.

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Tranquillity

Friday, January 16th, 2009

Of all the world offers, this is the best,
A child in my arms, asleep on my chest.
Somehow my cares vanished,
all woes and fears banished,
My spirit knows peace, my heart is at rest.

Lee Durben

OK, I agree it doesn’t totally scan as a limerick, but I published it as it makes you realise what is important in life.

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The War Correspondent

Thursday, January 15th, 2009

A war correspondent named Guido
Was struck by a flying torpedo;
A Red Cross brigade
Which came to his aid
Found only a sleeveless Tuxedo!

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The Young Housewife Of Ayr

Wednesday, January 14th, 2009

There was a young housewife of Ayr,
Whose husband’s homecomings were rare,
Had he danced on her chest
She’d have felt quite at rest,
For at least she’d have known he was there.

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The Composer

Tuesday, January 13th, 2009

A composer who lived in the ghetto,
Once wrote out a comic libretto;
When nobody sang it,
He said, “Oh, well, hang it,
I’ll sing it myself in falsetto!”

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Missionary Miss

Monday, January 12th, 2009

There was a fair maid from Decatur,
Who was known as a red-hot potater.
To the jungles she went
On her mission work bent,
Where a dozen fat cannibals ate her!

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The Young Man From Andorra

Sunday, January 11th, 2009

There was a young man from Andorra,
Who married a girl called Pandora,
But he hadn’t been wed
For too long till he said,
“Oh, drat it! I’ve married a snorer!”

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The Dreamer

Saturday, January 10th, 2009

There once was an old man of Rheims,
Used to dream such remarkable dreams,
The folks stared aghast
At the things he’d forecast
And gave vent to their terror with screams.

Still A Kid

Friday, January 9th, 2009

Despite all the guidance I’ve had
From Mother and brothers and Dad,
I find that I still
Experience a thrill
Whenever I do something bad!

Submitted by Dot Smith

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Author, Author

Thursday, January 8th, 2009

Manuscript sent, my spirits were soaring
till it came back stamped” This book is boring,
Your prose so verbose,
left us near comatose,
and your readers can still be heard snoring.

Lee Durben

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Cheapskate

Wednesday, January 7th, 2009

The ring he offered his true love,Vivian
was not diamond, only obsidian.
His penurios ways
he’ll regret all his days,
for she banished him into oblivion.

Lee Durben

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The Creole Lady

Tuesday, January 6th, 2009

There once was a lovely young Creole,
When asked if her hair was all real,
She replied, with a shrug,
“Just give it a tug,
And judge by the way that I squeal.”

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The Pet Piggy

Monday, January 5th, 2009

Said a dainty professor of Latin,
Who dressed his pet piggy in satin:
“If I teach her to speak
In Norwegian and Greek,
Do you think she’d be easier to fatten?”

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The Young Person From Bute

Sunday, January 4th, 2009

An amusing young person from Bute,
Who wouldn’t, or couldn’t be mute,
Persistently sputtered
And stuttered and muttered
Till everyone else followed suit.

The Rhine Fisherman

Saturday, January 3rd, 2009

A fellow who lived on the Rhine
Saw a fish that he wanted to dine,
But how to invite him?
“Ah,” he said, “I will write him!”
So he sat down and dropped him a line!

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The Bad Parrot

Friday, January 2nd, 2009

There once was a young lady Doctor,
Who owned a bad parrot that mocked her,
He would also blaspheme,
Using language extreme
All of which, so she said, really shocked her