Archive for February, 2009

Green Wood

Saturday, February 28th, 2009

There was a young girl named Mariah,
Had trouble in lighting the fire.
The wood it was green,
So she used gasoline,
Now she’s gone where the fuel is much dryer.

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Beeky

Friday, February 27th, 2009

There was a young lawyer named Pique,
Who sported a prominent beek,
An angry old client
Grew very defiant,
And gave his proboscis a tweek.

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The Inventor

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

An inventor who once did aspire
To invent an aerial flyer,
When asked, “Does it go?”
He replied, “I don’t know;
I’m still waiting for some fool to try ‘er.”

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Take My Wives

Wednesday, February 25th, 2009

A Turk named Abdullah Ben Sharum
Had twenty-four wives in his harem.
When his Arab steed died,
“Mighty Allah!” he cried,
“Take some of my wives, I can spare em.’

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Don’t Play With Matches

Tuesday, February 24th, 2009

There was a young lady from Dorset,
Lit a match and decided to toss it
In a cup of benzine;
And out on the green,
They found just her wig and her corset

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Rent

Monday, February 23rd, 2009

The man to whom Uncle Joe rents his house,
claims he’s next of kin to King Wenceslous,
Joe just ignores him,
royalty bores him,
to collect rent that’s due, he sends his spouse.

Lee Durben

(Not sure about the scan of this one!!)

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The King And Rudolph

Sunday, February 22nd, 2009

Taunted because his nose was so bright,
Rudolph was lonely on Christmas night.
Oh, how it did sting
to hear Elvis sing,
“Well wee deer, you are loathsome alright.

Lee Durben

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Plucky

Saturday, February 21st, 2009

A cowboy who lived in Kentucky,
Said, “Yes, I have been purty lucky,
Fer I’ve never been hit
In the back that is, yit”
Now he’s dead but he surely was plucky.

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Take My Breath Away

Friday, February 20th, 2009

There was a youny lady from Maine
Who would eat nothing else but chow-mein
Till a bad fright one day
Took her breath quite away,
And we hope she won’t find it again.

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Unique

Thursday, February 19th, 2009

Miss Hyacinthe Gladys McGee
Said somewhat explosively: “Whee !
If the back of my head
Were my forehead instead,
Just think how unique I should be!”

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Stand When You Sing

Wednesday, February 18th, 2009

The vicar said: “Now, we’ll sing hymns.
You must stand when you sing, Mrs. Simms.”
But the sister stayed sot
And said: “Rise I will not;
I can’t, I’ve got cramps in my limbs.”

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Skunked

Tuesday, February 17th, 2009

There was a young man from the city,
who saw what he thought was a kitty.
To make sure of that,
He gave it a pat.
They buried his clothes.  What a pity.

Submitted by Lee Durben

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Rise And Shine

Sunday, February 15th, 2009

A young page from the township of Lyme,
was to help the new parson save time.
But sad to relate,
He always came late.
The Parson’s page rose rarely on time.

Lee Durben

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Hokey Pope

Saturday, February 14th, 2009

By conclave he was never appointed,
yet he thinks he’s one “truly anointed.
In an ermine lined cope,
He pretends he’s the Pope
and wears a gold crown that’s three pointed.

Lee Durben

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Jake

Friday, February 13th, 2009

There once was a young man called Jake
He just ate another flake
He fell out a tree
And said “god gracious me
I just fell into a lake”

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And Then The Fight Started

Thursday, February 12th, 2009

“For our anniversary,” said Clive
(they had been married for forty five)
“Twelve roses for you Dear,
thats one for each good year.”
He is lucky to still be alive.

Lee Durben

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Cold?

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

There was a young man called Bill Peck,
Who was buried in snow to his neck;
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He replied: “Yes, I is;
But we don’t call this cold in Quebec.”

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Kinky

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

Suggesting we do something kinky,
I asked her to wear something slinky.
She said “You’re out of line,
and a filthy old swine,
and you sir, can go to Helsinki”.

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Heredity

Monday, February 9th, 2009

When my son’s teacher called me from school
and complained he’d been acting the fool,
I said “I’m not surprised,
as you may have surmised,
there’s a flaw in his father’s gene pool.

Lee Durben

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Ladies Choice

Sunday, February 8th, 2009

I know an old spinster named Krystal.
She lives on the outskirts of Bristol.
Tho’ beaus she had plenty,
when she was ’bout twenty,
she drove them all off with her pistol.

Sunburn

Saturday, February 7th, 2009

A fair skinned young man in Hawaii
said as he tried to explain why he
was as red as a beet
from his head to his feet
“the sun is so hot it would fry ye.”

Lee Durben

Infamous Quote

Friday, February 6th, 2009

Caesar had ordered, for his lunch today,
three fresh ripe peaches,topped with creme brulee.
He said “Once there were three,
now just one do I see.
Thats how I know that you ‘et tu Brute'”

Lee Durben

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End Of A Long Day

Thursday, February 5th, 2009

At last, I’m comfortably reclined
My mission: to finally unwind.
The TV’s so boring
That soon I am snoring.
It is mission accomplished, I find!

Dot Smith

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Sinking Feeling

Wednesday, February 4th, 2009

Said the mate of a vessel unique
To the captain, “What port shall we seek?”
Said the captain, “We’ll dock ‘er
In Davy Jones’ locker;
I’m afraid this old tub’s sprung a leak.”

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Greedy Diner

Monday, February 2nd, 2009

There was a young lady in China,
Who was quite a greedy young diner.
She feasted on snails,
Slugs, peacocks and quails,
No mixture,” she said, “could be finer.”

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Anything Is Possible

Sunday, February 1st, 2009

There was a young girl who said : “Why
Can’t I look in my ear with my eye?
If I put my mind to it
I’m sure I can do it.
You never can tell till you try.”

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