Funny Limericks For Everyone

There was a young girl named Mariah,
Had trouble in lighting the fire.
The wood it was green,
So she used gasoline,
Now she’s gone where the fuel is much dryer.

There was a young lawyer named Pique,
Who sported a prominent beek,
An angry old client
Grew very defiant,
And gave his proboscis a tweek.

An inventor who once did aspire
To invent an aerial flyer,
When asked, “Does it go?”
He replied, “I don’t know;
I’m still waiting for some fool to try ‘er.”

A Turk named Abdullah Ben Sharum
Had twenty-four wives in his harem.
When his Arab steed died,
“Mighty Allah!” he cried,
“Take some of my wives, I can spare em.’

There was a young lady from Dorset,
Lit a match and decided to toss it
In a cup of benzine;
And out on the green,
They found just her wig and her corset

The man to whom Uncle Joe rents his house,
claims he’s next of kin to King Wenceslous,
Joe just ignores him,
royalty bores him,
to collect rent that’s due, he sends his spouse.

Lee Durben

(Not sure about the scan of this one!!)

Taunted because his nose was so bright,
Rudolph was lonely on Christmas night.
Oh, how it did sting
to hear Elvis sing,
“Well wee deer, you are loathsome alright.

Lee Durben

A cowboy who lived in Kentucky,
Said, “Yes, I have been purty lucky,
Fer I’ve never been hit
In the back that is, yit”
Now he’s dead but he surely was plucky.

There was a youny lady from Maine
Who would eat nothing else but chow-mein
Till a bad fright one day
Took her breath quite away,
And we hope she won’t find it again.

Miss Hyacinthe Gladys McGee
Said somewhat explosively: “Whee !
If the back of my head
Were my forehead instead,
Just think how unique I should be!”

The vicar said: “Now, we’ll sing hymns.
You must stand when you sing, Mrs. Simms.”
But the sister stayed sot
And said: “Rise I will not;
I can’t, I’ve got cramps in my limbs.”

There was a young man from the city,
who saw what he thought was a kitty.
To make sure of that,
He gave it a pat.
They buried his clothes.  What a pity.

Submitted by Lee Durben

A young page from the township of Lyme,
was to help the new parson save time.
But sad to relate,
He always came late.
The Parson’s page rose rarely on time.

Lee Durben

By conclave he was never appointed,
yet he thinks he’s one “truly anointed.
In an ermine lined cope,
He pretends he’s the Pope
and wears a gold crown that’s three pointed.

Lee Durben

There once was a young man called Jake
He just ate another flake
He fell out a tree
And said “god gracious me
I just fell into a lake”

Submitted By Cameron

“For our anniversary,” said Clive
(they had been married for forty five)
“Twelve roses for you Dear,
thats one for each good year.”
He is lucky to still be alive.

Lee Durben

There was a young man called Bill Peck,
Who was buried in snow to his neck;
When asked: “Are you friz?”
He replied: “Yes, I is;
But we don’t call this cold in Quebec.”

Suggesting we do something kinky,
I asked her to wear something slinky.
She said “You’re out of line,
and a filthy old swine,
and you sir, can go to Helsinki”.

Lee Durben

When my son’s teacher called me from school
and complained he’d been acting the fool,
I said “I’m not surprised,
as you may have surmised,
there’s a flaw in his father’s gene pool.

Lee Durben

I know an old spinster named Krystal.
She lives on the outskirts of Bristol.
Tho’ beaus she had plenty,
when she was ’bout twenty,
she drove them all off with her pistol.

A fair skinned young man in Hawaii
said as he tried to explain why he
was as red as a beet
from his head to his feet
“the sun is so hot it would fry ye.”

Lee Durben

Caesar had ordered, for his lunch today,
three fresh ripe peaches,topped with creme brulee.
He said “Once there were three,
now just one do I see.
Thats how I know that you ‘et tu Brute'”

Lee Durben

At last, I’m comfortably reclined
My mission: to finally unwind.
The TV’s so boring
That soon I am snoring.
It is mission accomplished, I find!

Dot Smith

Said the mate of a vessel unique
To the captain, “What port shall we seek?”
Said the captain, “We’ll dock ‘er
In Davy Jones’ locker;
I’m afraid this old tub’s sprung a leak.”

There was a young lady in China,
Who was quite a greedy young diner.
She feasted on snails,
Slugs, peacocks and quails,
No mixture,” she said, “could be finer.”

There was a young girl who said : “Why
Can’t I look in my ear with my eye?
If I put my mind to it
I’m sure I can do it.
You never can tell till you try.”