Funny Limericks For Everyone

Though Boris stood toasting his peers
with vino and all types of beers,
the Old Bill opined
he needn’t be fined,
to which Boris gladly yelled: “Cheers!”

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This Wagatha Christie stuff’s silly,
these ladies aren’t all pink and frilly.
Instead they can’t stop
from having a pop
at the size of a male friend’s willy.

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Rees-Mogg has been making his case
that working from home has no place.
He thinks staff are shirking,
when really they’re working
at avoiding his arrogant face.

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The Parliament air has turned blue
with porn on a phone screen, on view.
The MP’s excuse
was to say: “What the deuce!
In Whitehall there’s nought else to do.”

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The Martian eclipse was a dud,
for what looked like a dollop of mud
passed in front of the sun,
not round as a bun
but resembling a misshapen spud.

(Actually, it was quite spectacular)

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I thought there could be nothing grander
than to visit UK for a gander.
But Border Force say
I’ve got no right to stay,
so instead I’ll be seeing Rwanda.

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Of our era it’s somewhat a sign
that though Boris got hit with a fine
for breaking the law,
he was not shown the door
and didn’t once think to resign.

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Whilst West Ham played Lyon, from France,
the game earned a long second glance,
for on the pitch ran
a lone Hammer’s fan
to ruin his own team’s last chance.

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Prince Charles is the next one to carry
the crown unless Lizzy should tarry.
Then’s William’s turn,
lest the crown he should spurn,
in which case, Gawd ‘elp us, it’s Harry!

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The end of the world comes apace,
but the media only has space
for a middle-aged brat,
a celebrity spat
and a guy who got slapped round the face.

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Chris Rock isn’t timid or meek,
but from now on before he should speak,
he’ll opt to use words
that are not verbal turds
for fear of a slap on the cheek.

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As Hollywood grows more myopic,
it’s just hired a star microscopic.
His stage name is ‘Sherm’,
an intestinal germ,
for a true life colonic biopic.

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He wasn’t an egghead at school,
and teachers proclaimed him a fool;
this workshy young slob
couldn’t hold down a job,
yet the Kingdom of Physics he’d rule.

In 1905 it grew clear,
in what’s known as his ‘Miracle Year’
that light’s constant motion
was a relative notion,
which crystallised Einstein’s career.

His praises till this day are sung,
E=mc squared’s among
the world’s greatest sums,
yet the image still comes
of fly hair and a sticking out tongue.

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Some folk claim that Putin is stable,
but that’s just an old Russian fable.
For people he meets
at the Kremlin he seats
down the end of a forty foot table.

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John Bercow’s behaviour may border
on bullying, or something much broader.
In the press he’s been panned,
and from Parliament banned
for being so well out of ORDER!

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Said Putin to Xi: “This is fun;
Olympics in snow, not in sun.
And yes, i’ll refrain
from invading Ukraine
till the skiing and skating is done.”

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There once was an angry old bear,
whose cave had lost much of its flair.
so using his muscle
and bully-boy hustle
he increased the size of his lair.

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An old dude brought dinosaurs back,
but some learned to hunt in a pack.
The lizards got nailed,
the heroes prevailed
and most of the sequels were cack.

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The Invisible Man is a bloke
misanthropic who hates normal folk.
He’s not one who dithers
at rock, paper, scissors
and these days plays punch, kick and choke.

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The Magnificent Seven were brave
fighting thieves and a pitiless knave.
At the end of the day,
they fought for no pay
and four ended up in a grave.

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Fake news is a thing we all know,
so it comes as a bit of a blow
to learn in Beijing
the Olympics will bring
winter sports on authentic fake snow.

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From Alpha to Delta it went,
and we thought that its power was spent;
but rules of the gam e
changed when Omicron came,
on world domination hell bent.

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And so, Minnie Mouse will impress
in a pantsuit and flat heels, no less.
But what of the vision,
of Mickey’s transition
in heels and a polka-dot dress?

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Prince Andrew’s collection of Teddies
is valued at hundreds of reddies.
If one’s out of place,
he grows crimson of face,
sucks his thumb and will not go to beddies.

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As Covid Plan B’s put to bed,
BoJo ponders his future instead.
But this time he’ll need,
more schemes to succeed,
from Plan A all the way to Plan Z.

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