Funny Limericks For Everyone

Man U. have said ‘Farewell!’ to Ole,
his Old Trafford tenure proved folly.
He’s swapped football strife
for more time with his wife
and decking the hallways with holly.

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The power plant chimneys are smoking,
their furnaces we are still stoking;
but phasing out coal
is our ultimate goal –
on second thoughts, no, we’re just joking.

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A gender reveal is the pits,
but it thrills those expectant to bits;
though your bundles of joy
whether girl or a boy
will likely turn out little…angels.

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There is a smug place called Dubai,
No humour though it is dry,
Covered in sand,
One gold-laden hand,
Twinkles a lawyer’s war cry

Coffee and Alex

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In Glasgow the world leaders met
and greenhouse emissions were set.
But nothing is binding
and young folk are finding
that they and the world will still fret.

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When times are a little bit rocky
and your internal clock goes tick-tocky,
to cheer yourself up
why not go and sup
on a cup of delicious hot chockie?

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Some old Roman statues were found;
when unearthed, they all three looked around.
Said one: “Do pray tell,
is this Heaven or Hell?
Better still, put us back in the ground.

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Will Shatner went up into space,
the G forces flattening his face.
Said he, ‘I am potty,
I should have called Scotty
to put beaming up into place.”

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Though Alfred the Great ruled a nation,
He caused one old crone consternation;
For her cakes, which he watched,
Got entirely botched
On the stove in a mass conflagration.

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He may have been the wallydrag
But his tail would give a jolly wag
He looked so smart
That he won my heart
With his tail just like a jolly flag.

(c) David Warin Solomons
website: https://dwsolo.com

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Industrial Britain was cruel,
the people ate nothing but gruel;
they were covered in fleas
and had black lung disease
from coal which they burned as a fuel.

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There once was a poet named Danny
Whose poems could be rather uncanny.
He also wrote lyrics
With nice atmospherics,
But never did win a damn Grammy.

Daniel Klawitter

Piers said: “She cannot swing a bat.”
But his words were about to fall flat;
for it proved Emma’s day,
in the U. S. of A.,
whilst Piers was proved somewhat a… berk.

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Said Clarkson: “There’s plenty of space
for restaurants on my country place;
and if the food’s cold,
as per days of old,
you’re welcome to punch my fat face.”

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The vaccine’s a wonderful thing,
though sometimes your arm feels a sting.
And please be aware,
if you fail to take care
your I-phone will suddenly ping.

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If you come from a country that’s red,
a Covid hotel has a bed
that’s yours for ten days
though the customer pays
till the dosh in his bank account’s fled.

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If you come from a country that’s red,
a Covid hotel has a bed
that is yours for ten days
though the customer pays
till a shed-load of money’s been shed.

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When you have a sore throat, it’s best
to give all kinds of Strepsils a test;
and I find the lozenge
that’s flavoured with orange
tastes better than all of the rest.

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If poems are written to flatter,
or just form a verbiage-strewn splatter,
they’re no better than
a filling-less flan
or fillets of cod without batter.

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My vision is awfully bold,”
said Boris, “though some think it cold.
To keep the state running
and industry gunning,
forget about anyone old.”

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We already knew ‘a’, ‘b’, ‘c’,
and probably ‘1’, ‘2’ and ‘3’.
But then we learned ‘dog’,
which was followed by ‘frog’,
and some pronouns like ‘I’, ‘you’ and ‘we’.

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Oh, Katie, you make us all wonder,
in view of your latest great blunder;
Can’t you do as you’re told?
Breaking rules isn’t bold!
It gets you kicked out from Down-Under.

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The crew deemed their shipmate a turd
o’er an albatross, shot, so they heard
with the old sailor’s bow,
causing ill-fortune, so
they collectively gave him the bird.

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A cat in a hat made a mess,
putting two kids at home under stress.
Then the cat pulled some strings
and enlisting two Things
cleaned the house in a minute or less.

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I wandered alone like a cloud,
seeing daffodils all in a crowd.
And now if Life glowers,
with thoughts of those flowers,
my joy in the world’s re-avowed.

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