Funny Limericks For Everyone

A teacher whose spelling’s unique,
Wrote down all the days of the week
The first he spelt “Sonday,”
The second day “Munday”
And now a new teacher they seek.

I’d rather have fingers than toes,
I’d rather have ears than a nose!
And as for my hair,
I’m so glad it’s all there;
I’ll be awfuly sad when it goes.

If you are called Britney or Dwayne
You’re considered a “Chav” by your name
By Activities Abroad
Who have put out the word
From their holidays you must abstain

As our Homecoming Queen, Norma Jean,
wore a silk gown of deep aubergine.
The gown was so tight,
that I thought It might,
bare more of Jean than I’d ever seen.

Lee Durben

“Will you dream of me, tonight dear Jill?”
When she answered he heard with a thrill:
“You know I’ve a habit,
Of eating Welsh rarebit,
And it’s likely as not that I will.”

The next time I travel, I know
The direction that that I want to go.
The warmth of AZ(ee)
Is screaming at me
To get away from this blankety snow!

Dot Smith

There once was a baby of yore,
But no one knew what it was for,
They were so afraid
That it might get mislaid,
So they put it away in a drawer.

A certain pop star who’s named Janet,
on a film clip seen all round the planet,
had a wardrobe malfunction
at a major sports function,
but she still swears that she didn’t plan it

Lee Durben

There was a young man called Leadbetter
Who sat down to write a long letter.
When he picked up the ink,
His heart it did sink,
For he spilled some all over his sweater.

There once was a student named Greening,
Who fell down four flights without meaning.
The caretaker swore,
As he struck the ground floor:
“It’ll take all the afternoon cleaning.”

There was a young lady called Clytie
Saw a statue of nude Aphrodite.
“Do you like it?” said I.
“Yes,” was her swift reply.
“But I think she’s forgotten her nightie.”

A cheese that was aged and gray
Was walking and talking one day.
Said the cheese, “Kindly note
That my mum was a goat
And I’m made out of curds by the whey.”

There were three little birds in a wood,
Who always sang hymns when they could,
What the words were about
They could never work out,
But they felt they were doing them good.

A light-fingered fellow called Brewster,
Declared, “I’ shan’t steal as I used ta.”
But he fell with a swoop
On the first chicken coop
That he saw, and made off with a rooster.

A barefoot young lady from Twickenham
Bought shoes ’cause she thought she’d walk quick in ’em;
She walked for a mile
And then sat on a stile,
With out further ado she was sick in ’em.

Of all the world offers, this is the best,
A child in my arms, asleep on my chest.
Somehow my cares vanished,
all woes and fears banished,
My spirit knows peace, my heart is at rest.

Lee Durben

OK, I agree it doesn’t totally scan as a limerick, but I published it as it makes you realise what is important in life.

A war correspondent named Guido
Was struck by a flying torpedo;
A Red Cross brigade
Which came to his aid
Found only a sleeveless Tuxedo!

There was a young housewife of Ayr,
Whose husband’s homecomings were rare,
Had he danced on her chest
She’d have felt quite at rest,
For at least she’d have known he was there.

A composer who lived in the ghetto,
Once wrote out a comic libretto;
When nobody sang it,
He said, “Oh, well, hang it,
I’ll sing it myself in falsetto!”

There was a fair maid from Decatur,
Who was known as a red-hot potater.
To the jungles she went
On her mission work bent,
Where a dozen fat cannibals ate her!

There was a young man from Andorra,
Who married a girl called Pandora,
But he hadn’t been wed
For too long till he said,
“Oh, drat it! I’ve married a snorer!”

There once was an old man of Rheims,
Used to dream such remarkable dreams,
The folks stared aghast
At the things he’d forecast
And gave vent to their terror with screams.

Despite all the guidance I’ve had
From Mother and brothers and Dad,
I find that I still
Experience a thrill
Whenever I do something bad!

Submitted by Dot Smith

Manuscript sent, my spirits were soaring
till it came back stamped” This book is boring,
Your prose so verbose,
left us near comatose,
and your readers can still be heard snoring.

Lee Durben

The ring he offered his true love,Vivian
was not diamond, only obsidian.
His penurios ways
he’ll regret all his days,
for she banished him into oblivion.

Lee Durben