Archive for March, 2009

A Young Lady Called Lawrence

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

There was a young lady called Lawrence,
Whose language came gushing in torrents,
Till told by her teacher,
“Your manner, dear creature,
Is more than your scholarship warrants.”

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Monday, March 30th, 2009

There was a young lady named Enus,
Who went to a ball dressed as Venus.
But the guests thought her rude
To appear in the nude,
So they fetched her a leaf from the greenhouse.

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Thrice Married

Sunday, March 29th, 2009

There was an old man of Lyme,
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked: “Why the third?”
He replied: “One’s absurd,
And bigamy, well that’s a crime.”

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The Old Salt

Saturday, March 28th, 2009

There was an old sailor of Crete
Whose peg legs propelled him quite neat.
“Strong liquor,” he said,
“Never goes to my head,
And I know it can’t go to my feet.”

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Cannibal Monarch

Friday, March 27th, 2009

A cannibal monarch imperial
Kept his wives on a diet of cereal,
But he didn’t much care
What the women should wear,
Nor did they; it was quite immaterial.

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Painted Lady

Thursday, March 26th, 2009

A spinster once fell in a faint,
While treating her face to fresh paint.
I said, “Are you mad?
Are you glad, sad or bad?”
And she rose and replied, “No, I ain’t”

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Wednesday, March 25th, 2009

He ordered a large sirloin steak,
Sauerkraut, mince pie and fruit cake!
Then he sat down to dine,
Drank three bottles of wine,
And retired with a bad stomach ache.

Calcutta Stutter

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

There was a young lad of Calcutta,
Whenever he spoke he would stutter.
To his teacher, said he,
“P-p-lease t-tell me,
Is a b-buttress a f-feminine b-butter?”

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Claire’s Hair

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

There was a young lady called Claire
Used loo bleach to lighten her hair,
And in just one night,
Her hair got so light,
That her head next morning was bare.

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On Tick

Sunday, March 22nd, 2009

There was a watchmaker named Quick,
Who he thought he was awfully slick,
But he couldn’t hold out,
He went up the spout,
He tried to do business on tick.

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The Butter

Saturday, March 21st, 2009

There was a young man in Calcutta,
Who was famed far and wide as a butter,
He butted right in,
To the high social din
And they carried him home on a shutter,

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Biting Oysters

Friday, March 20th, 2009

There’s a lady in Kalamazoo
Who bites all her oysters in two,
For she feels a misgiving,
Should any be living,
They’d kick up a hullabaloo.

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Happy Hyena

Thursday, March 19th, 2009

There once was a happy hyena
Who played on an old concertina
He dressed very well,
And in his lapel
He carelessly stuck a verbena.

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The Young Lady From Crete

Wednesday, March 18th, 2009

There was a young lady from Crete
Whose dress sense was far from complete;
Her dress was a sack,
With a zip down the back,
And she wore plastic bags on her feet.

The Young Girl From Wyoming

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

There was a young girl from Wyoming,
Who liked to walk out in the gloaming.
If a friend, as she passed,
Quite politely would ask
What she’d have, she’d reply: “Something foaming.”

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Monday, March 16th, 2009

A clergyman told from his text
How Samson was barbered and vexed,
And told it so true
That a man in the pew
Got rattled, and shouted out “Next!”


Sunday, March 15th, 2009

In Paris they called her petite,
She’d a figure uncommonly neat;
But of course you can see,
Just as plain as can be,
This didn’t apply to her feet.

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The Girl From Kings Lynn

Saturday, March 14th, 2009

A young girl who lived in Kings Lynn,
By accident sat on a pin,
She let out a shriek,
A howl and a squeak,
And her language was really a sin.

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Friday, March 13th, 2009

A youth with the pride of a czar
Thought it funny to annoy his pa,
Till the old man arose
And pummelled his nose,
Which made him see many a star.

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Banana Slip

Thursday, March 12th, 2009

There was a young man from Montanna
Who slipped on a peel of banana
He fell on his head
And what he then said,
Was quite the reverse of “Hosanna”

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Noisy Elephant

Wednesday, March 11th, 2009

An elephant lay in his bunk,
In slumber his chest rose and sunk,
He snored and he snored
Till the jungle folks roared-
Then his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

Just One Leg

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

There was once a man from Winnipeg
Who could only afford just one leg
He decided one day
To get in a relay
And that way he just might Winnipeg!

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The Young Man From Belfast

Monday, March 9th, 2009

There was once a young man from Belfast
And his arm ended up in a cast
His nurse gave him a bell
So when he wasn’t well
When he needed he’d ring the Belfast!

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The Duck Hater

Sunday, March 8th, 2009

There was once a girl from Decatur
Who was quite a real big duck hater
Until sadly one day
A big duck came her way
And too bad, the real big Decatur!

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Saturday, March 7th, 2009

A beautiful lassie named Florence
Once wept till her tears flowed in torrents.
When asked why she cried,
She sighed and replied,
“The police have been round with some warrants.

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