Funny Limericks For Everyone

There once was a man-eating Lion
Who ate a zoo keeper called Brian
As he stroked his long mane
He then went on to explain
“I am sorry about that, but I’m tryin’ ”

Contributed by John Haines

There once was a young boy, Jack Mubble
Who did blow an incredible bubble
He then floated away,
and at the end of the day
His Mum shouted up, “You’re in trouble!!”

Contributed by John Haines

At the inflatable school in the town
The inflatable pupil, Bill brown
Went and took in a pin,
which was a great sin
For Bill went and let everyone down

Contributed by John Haines

There once was a Vicar from Troon
Who used to love Rory Calhoon
On the alter he’d stand,
with his gun in his hand
At the service he held at High Noon

Contributed by John Haines

There is a young turkey named Rowan
Who is so incredibly knowin’
Each year come December
He’ll always remember
To pack up his bags and get goin’

Contributed by John Haines

There was a young lady of Leith
Who bought a new set of false teeth
They were six inches wide
With a hinge at each side
And closed with a snap underneath.

A man went to church to repent
He was told, “give up liquor for Lent.”
“But liquor is quicker!”
He proclaimed to the vicar
And off to the pub they both went

An old pirate captain from Wales,
Said, “Arr, It’s alright to chew nails;”
“It impresses the crew,”
“It impresses me too!”
“But stop spitting holes in the sails…”

I ponder about my own fate
I really just don’t want to wait
Tell me what’s in store
As I need to know more
Else I’ll surely find out far too late

A cat, in despondency, sighed,
And decided to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels,
of eight automobiles,
’twas under the ninth that she died.

Regarding “Hey Diddle Diddle”
Remember the Cat with his fiddle?
Did he know how they made
The strings that he played?
‘Cuz they came from a relative’s middle

The bustard’s an exquisite fowl,
Without any reason to growl.
It escapes what would be,
Illegitimacy,
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
were tattooed the prices of ale,
and on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
was the same information in Braille.

There once was a pretty young lass
Who had a magnificent ass
It was not pink and round
But more grey and brown
And she rode it on Sundays to mass

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She sat on the floor
Then climbed up the door
And finally danced on the ceiling

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

There once was a young man called Abel
Whose manners were poor at the table
His soup he would slurp
When finished he’d burp
And embarrass his sister called Mabel

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

A certain young lady called Rose
Was asked “Did you pick your nose?”
She replied with a sneer
“Did you pick your ear?”
A case of touché I suppose

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

There was a young lady called Heather
Who was happy whatever the weather
She’d laugh and she’d laugh
As she sat by the hearth
And tickled herself with a feather

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

There was a young poet in Rheims,
Who cried, “Oh, how awful it seems,
When asleep late at night,
Lovely poetry I write,
But awaken to find it’s just dreams!”

A vicar once smote at a tee,
And threw his new club up a tree,
Saying, ” B*$%$er ! ! Oh, dear ! ! !
I must give up, I fear,
Either golf or the ministry!”

There was a lion tamer called Jones,
And the lions from various zones
At his house came and roared
In a beautiful chord,
As he fed them elaborate bones.

There was a fair girl named Elaine,
Who, one March day, went out dressed en train;
The wind tried to be rude,
But her costume was glued
Tis better sometimes to be vain.

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There once was a sensitive bride,
Who ran when the groom she espied.
When they put on her veil
She set up a wail,
And when the priest blessed her, she cried.

There was a young man of Fort Blainey,
Who proposed to a typist named Janey;
When his friends cried, “You’re bold!
She’s so ugly and old!”
He replied, ” But the day was so rainy ! “

There was an old maid of Cape Horn,
Whose clothing was tattered and torn.
She remarked, debonnaire,
As she pinned up her hair:
” I got them from Oxfam this morn”

There were some adventurous knights,
Who costumed themselves in some tights
They were taking a chance
To go without pants,
And suffer from mosquito bites

There was an old man from Darjeeling
Who traveled by tube-train from Ealing
A sign on the door
Said “Don’t spit on the floor” –
So he carefully spat on the ceiling.

Submitted by George Anderson

Edited due to a complaint from a reader.

Said an ape as he swung from a tree
to his children Gizelle and Leslie,
“Quite sorry, sweet dears,
cause in a few years
all your children will STILL look like me!”

Submitted by Aimee Shaw

There was a young cyclist called Ben,
Said “I’ll ride just like the racing men!”
But he got into trouble,
When he bent himself double,
And couldn’t bend back up again.

They tell this of Julius Caesar,
That he put some ice in a freezer,
Observing to Brutus,
“We’ll chill it to suit us!’
Now, he was a funny old geezer.