Archive for May, 2009

Man Eater

Sunday, May 31st, 2009

There once was a man-eating Lion
Who ate a zoo keeper called Brian
As he stroked his long mane
He then went on to explain
“I am sorry about that, but I’m tryin’ ”

Contributed by John Haines

Jack’s Bubble

Saturday, May 30th, 2009

There once was a young boy, Jack Mubble
Who did blow an incredible bubble
He then floated away,
and at the end of the day
His Mum shouted up, “You’re in trouble!!”

Contributed by John Haines

Inflatable School

Friday, May 29th, 2009

At the inflatable school in the town
The inflatable pupil, Bill brown
Went and took in a pin,
which was a great sin
For Bill went and let everyone down

Contributed by John Haines

The Troon Vicar

Thursday, May 28th, 2009

There once was a Vicar from Troon
Who used to love Rory Calhoon
On the alter he’d stand,
with his gun in his hand
At the service he held at High Noon

Contributed by John Haines

Rowan The Turkey

Wednesday, May 27th, 2009

There is a young turkey named Rowan
Who is so incredibly knowin’
Each year come December
He’ll always remember
To pack up his bags and get goin’

Contributed by John Haines

False Teeth

Tuesday, May 26th, 2009

There was a young lady of Leith
Who bought a new set of false teeth
They were six inches wide
With a hinge at each side
And closed with a snap underneath.


Monday, May 25th, 2009

A man went to church to repent
He was told, “give up liquor for Lent.”
“But liquor is quicker!”
He proclaimed to the vicar
And off to the pub they both went

Chewing Nails

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

An old pirate captain from Wales,
Said, “Arr, It’s alright to chew nails;”
“It impresses the crew,”
“It impresses me too!”
“But stop spitting holes in the sails…”


Saturday, May 23rd, 2009

I ponder about my own fate
I really just don’t want to wait
Tell me what’s in store
As I need to know more
Else I’ll surely find out far too late

Suicidal Cat

Friday, May 22nd, 2009

A cat, in despondency, sighed,
And decided to commit suicide.
She passed under the wheels,
of eight automobiles,
’twas under the ninth that she died.

Hey Diddle Diddle

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Regarding “Hey Diddle Diddle”
Remember the Cat with his fiddle?
Did he know how they made
The strings that he played?
‘Cuz they came from a relative’s middle

The Bustard

Wednesday, May 20th, 2009

The bustard’s an exquisite fowl,
Without any reason to growl.
It escapes what would be,
By the grace of a fortunate vowel.

Ale Prices

Tuesday, May 19th, 2009

On the chest of a barmaid at Yale
were tattooed the prices of ale,
and on her behind,
for the sake of the blind,
was the same information in Braille.

The Magnificent Ass

Monday, May 18th, 2009

There once was a pretty young lass
Who had a magnificent ass
It was not pink and round
But more grey and brown
And she rode it on Sundays to mass

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

Young Lady From Ealing

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

There was a young lady from Ealing
Who had a peculiar feeling
She sat on the floor
Then climbed up the door
And finally danced on the ceiling

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

Table Manners

Saturday, May 16th, 2009

There once was a young man called Abel
Whose manners were poor at the table
His soup he would slurp
When finished he’d burp
And embarrass his sister called Mabel

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

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Friday, May 15th, 2009

A certain young lady called Rose
Was asked “Did you pick your nose?”
She replied with a sneer
“Did you pick your ear?”
A case of touché I suppose

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

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Thursday, May 14th, 2009

There was a young lady called Heather
Who was happy whatever the weather
She’d laugh and she’d laugh
As she sat by the hearth
And tickled herself with a feather

Copyright 2009 © Alan Simonds

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The Rheims Poet

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

There was a young poet in Rheims,
Who cried, “Oh, how awful it seems,
When asleep late at night,
Lovely poetry I write,
But awaken to find it’s just dreams!”

Golfing Vicar

Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

A vicar once smote at a tee,
And threw his new club up a tree,
Saying, ” B*$%$er ! ! Oh, dear ! ! !
I must give up, I fear,
Either golf or the ministry!”

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The Lion Tamer

Monday, May 11th, 2009

There was a lion tamer called Jones,
And the lions from various zones
At his house came and roared
In a beautiful chord,
As he fed them elaborate bones.

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En Train

Sunday, May 10th, 2009

There was a fair girl named Elaine,
Who, one March day, went out dressed en train;
The wind tried to be rude,
But her costume was glued
Tis better sometimes to be vain.


Nervous Bride

Saturday, May 9th, 2009

There once was a sensitive bride,
Who ran when the groom she espied.
When they put on her veil
She set up a wail,
And when the priest blessed her, she cried.

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The Old Typist

Friday, May 8th, 2009

There was a young man of Fort Blainey,
Who proposed to a typist named Janey;
When his friends cried, “You’re bold!
She’s so ugly and old!”
He replied, ” But the day was so rainy ! “

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Tattered Clothes

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

There was an old maid of Cape Horn,
Whose clothing was tattered and torn.
She remarked, debonnaire,
As she pinned up her hair:
” I got them from Oxfam this morn”

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