Funny Limericks For Everyone

There once was a man named Bob
whose girlfriend would call him a slob
When he went to her place
he had food on his face
Specifically, Corn on the Cob

This one is from Katie

There once was a frog, rather stout,
who, bored, by an old pond hung out.
Then he thought with a grin.
I think I’ll jump in,
And give Basho something to write about!

Based, of course, on Basho’s classic haiku: furuike ya / kawazu tobikomu / mizu no oto:

An old pond
a frog jumps in
the sound of water

Thanks to H. Mack Horton for this

A man once predicted the rapture
Many gullible minds did he capture
Though the bible says Jesus
Will come when he pleases
Do I think the whole thing’s full of crap? Sure!

More from David.

http://davesbigfatlimericksite.weebly.com/

The pig on the spit made me gawp
Till I had a large chunk on my fork.
Then the cannibal chief
Said, “Pig? No! It’s a thief!
But you’ll find he tastes rather like pork.”

From Paul Freeman

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

In a limerick, don’t use a line twice
It’s lazy; only once will suffice
It’s bad form, which I hate
So let me restate
In a limerick, don’t use a line twice.

Another one from David.

http://davesbigfatlimericksite.weebly.com/

Der der der der der der der Eire
Der der der, der der der der carer
Der der der der fig
Der der der der wig
Der der der der der der der fairer

A bit more nonsense from Adrian

A non-too-smart chap from Cleckheaton
had a toilet without any seat on
All he wanted to do
was to sit on his loo
But instead all he did was just bleat on

From the prolific Adrian

A lavatory cleaner from Delhi
Had a job that was really quite smelly
He’d frequently hurry
to swill out the curry
that had been through his customer’s belly

Another one from Adrian

A banker whose manner was blunt
Put the taxpayers funds on a punt.
The whole lot was lost
At incredible cost
To the savers, who all bore the brunt.

The one man whose shoulders were broad
Was sacked for reporting the fraud.
The judge in his case
Said “I don’t like your face”
So he lost ‘cause the system is flawed.

This outcome ignited his zeal,
And he went to the Court of Appeal.
But the banker had bought
All three members of court,
And after, he bought them a meal.

Years passed till they got to that night
With hero still willing to fight.
He would have done more,
But by now he was poor,
And so he decided to write.

He came up with a website and book,
‘Cause by then he did not give a fook
So he spilled all the beans
On the people of means
And hoped that the fraud squad might look

Within days he was duly arrested
As the bankers had, each one, protested
Saying he undermined
A whole system designed
To care for their interests (all vested)

Once more he went back to the judge
Who, by now, had developed a grudge
“You are guilty as charged
With your sentence enlarged”
(Which he said with a wink and a nudge)

Our hero then languished in prison
tormented by scorn and derision.
While he sat there in tears,
the weeks turned to years.
(Meanwhile, Evan’s income had risen )

But natural justice, it seems
Can reach out to folk of all means
An unfortunate slip,
Cut, burn, crash, fall or trip
Can put paid to the grandest of dreams

So our fat cat was almost in heaven
When St Peter (who now comes from Devon)
Said: “I’ve heard, and I reckons
Eternity beckons
You down to the furnace, old Evan”.

The moral in every true story
Of Lib Dems or Labour or Tory
Is that decadent fools
think hypocrisy rules
But their victims deserve all the glory

Submitted by Adrian

I think this is brilliant  and look forward to more from Adrian.

For a cunning apprentice called Hurley,
The greasy pole beckoned quite early,
But he slid down to zero,
When he ambushed a hero,
And justice came fairly and squarely.

A Council Director called Dent,
Thought it public money well spent,
By boosting the pension,
Of a friend he won’t mention,
Who was rank, maladjusted and bent.

A Council Director called Pellitt,
Got in league with a town clerk called Kellitt,
They both dealt in “fairness”,
But with little awareness,
Of a stench, oh so foul you could smell it.

A clothing designer called Deller,
An opportunistic old feller,
Had his way with a dame,
I won’t mention her name,
But the book would become a bestseller.

Thanks to Paul Cardin for this selection.

http://www.easyvirtualassistance.co.uk

There once was a lady called Lola,
who went on a trip to the Polar.
She went to the grotto,
and learnt Santa’s motto:
always drink fresh coca-cola!

This one’s from Natasha

There once was an odd gourmet Dino.
He was an incredible wino;
Who ate loads of strange stuff
Like possum coated with Fluff,
And bar-be-qued rhino albino!

Thanks to VeryJoyful for this one

There once was a man, quite unbalanced,
Refining his limerick talents
A sensational poet,
And the whole world would know it,
But he can’t get the last line to rhyme.

Another one from the prolific David.

http://davesbigfatlimericksite.weebly.com/