Archive for 2013

Lady Godiva Limerick

Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

Said Lady Godiva, “Take heed
and don’t ride in the nude on a steed;
for the skin of young maids,
gets chaffed and abrades,
causing much saddle-soreness indeed.”

Anchorman 2 Limerick

Tuesday, December 17th, 2013

Will Ferrell announced: “Kayne West,
appeared in my film as a guest.
But he had a big head,
like my own, so I said,
‘Get off of my film set, you pest.'”–total-nuisance-of-himself–in-anchorman-set-075423931.html

Holiday Romance

Tuesday, October 15th, 2013

Whilst holidaying out in Majorca
I met a girl she was a corker
She mentioned the fact
that she didn’t do that
Into which I was trying to talk her (but she did)

Thanks to Alan Grant for this one

Wayne Rooney Limerick (2)

Wednesday, August 7th, 2013

Said Rooney: “Some call me a brat;
a greedy and treacherous rat.”
But why should I care
if I drive the fans spare
as long as my wallet is fat?

Gareth Bale Limerick

Friday, August 2nd, 2013

A young footie player named Bale
was put up by Tott’nham for sale.
But for charging a bill
of a hundred plus mill?
Mr Levy, you should be in jail!

Duellist Limerick

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

A fencer was famous for duels
that broke sev’ral chivalrous rules;
he brought about sorrow
through swordplay like Zorro
by slicing off rivals’ crown jewels.

For my Wife on her Birthday !

Monday, June 24th, 2013

It’s your birthday! (Cue trumpet and drum)
So I’ve bought you a fresh, juicy plum.
That’s because I have found,
being both firm and round,
it reminds me a lot of your bum.

The Man From Ealing

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

There once was a young man from Ealing
Who liked to hang from the ceiling
He could not wear a hat
But he hangs like a bat
And it certainly was a good feeling

Submitted by Jordan

Cheese Limerick

Tuesday, May 28th, 2013

We were running and jumping like fleas,
downhill in pursuit of a cheese.
Then I suddenly stumbled,
and headfirst I tumbled,
which fractured my elbows and knees.

Limericks For The Paranoid (1)

Thursday, May 9th, 2013

There was a weird lady called Pat
who lived in a world she thought flat;
where the tenders of bars
were from Venus and Mars,
and where God would pop round for a chat.

Suarez Limerick

Friday, April 26th, 2013

Said Suarez, “I pecked like a hawk
through the lack of a knife and a fork.”
Then he told the FA,
“It’s true what they say,
that a person tastes somewhat like pork.”

Tiger Woods Limerick

Tuesday, March 26th, 2013

We thought Tiger Woods, the old nutter,
had consigned his career to the gutter.
But he seems to have learned,
(though his fingers got burned)
how to shoot straight and true with his ‘putter’.

Tatiana Limerick

Sunday, March 17th, 2013

Tatiana, a spoilt young brat,
was peeved at her chest being flat.
So her mum, feeling pity,
googled ‘silicone titty’,
then purchased two new tits for Tat.

“Pi” Day Limerick

Saturday, March 16th, 2013

A woman named Pi was once dared,
to be cloned, and then ’twas declared,
without being troubled,
a scientist doubled
each clone – proving two Pie are squared.

Wayne Rooney Limerick

Friday, March 8th, 2013

There was a young fellow called Rooney,
who worked for a dour Scottish loonie.
When dropped from the team,
feeling sulky and mean,
he shot poor Sir Alex a moonie.

Man U Limerick

Friday, March 8th, 2013

When Man. U were not coming first,
Their manager shouted and cursed.
“The referees bait us,
and hate my team’s status,”
he screamed, looking ready to burst.

Mars Trip Limerick

Monday, March 4th, 2013

A rocket to Mars – and to man it,
a husband and wife, Geoff and Janet.
But Jan’s navigation
caused course deviation,
which landed them on the wrong planet.

‘Buy British’ Limerick

Sunday, February 17th, 2013

The NFU sent out a letter
in hopes to become a trend setter.
They said, ‘Animal flesh
from abroad may be fresh,
but OUR horsemeat tastes so much better.’

(NFU = National Farmer’s Union)

Cemetery Visit

Thursday, February 14th, 2013

My boys are like huskies sans fur
they pushed out my van in a whir
of tires and ice
the blue skies were nice
three days without transport is cured!

Their effort was noted by all
a taxi sat nearby to crawl
back home with heads low
but Mum shouted “GO!”
and rattled the bones ‘neath each pall!

The gravestones were left all intact
the taxi was paid without flack
and never before
had someone outdoor
burnt rubber with black tire tracks!

(*NB* our van got stuck at the local cemetery after the colossal snowfall on Feb.8th)

F. H. Lee

Another Horsemeat Limerick

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

From the morgue, to make money, just grab
a body that’s fresh on the slab.
Once processed you’ll buy
the meat as a pie
or a burger, doner kebab.

(a bit close to the bone, so to speak)

Helen Mirren Limerick

Tuesday, February 12th, 2013

Some actresses wither and fade,
and their faces get wrinkled and frayed.
But Helen ain’t waned
for her looks she’s retained,
even joining the pink rinse brigade.

Mislabelled Meat Limerick

Sunday, February 10th, 2013

Some food-making firms have done wrong
selling mislabelled meat for a song.
And one taste which lingers
is that of fish fingers –
I wonder to whom they belong.

Shepherd’s Pie Limerick

Thursday, February 7th, 2013

Though some types of meat may be cheap,
over eating a horse I lose sleep.
And each time I try
to eat shepherd’s pie,
I keep wond’ring, ‘Who’s minding the sheep?’

Richard III Limerick

Tuesday, February 5th, 2013

When Henry took Bosworth by force,
King Richard died wanting a horse.
From a car park, interred,
Richard’s ghost is now heard
crying out for a souped-up red Porsche.–leicester-car-park-skull-is-that-of-medieval-monarch-100132929.html#ArZPfJ4

Horse DNA Limerick

Saturday, February 2nd, 2013

“It’s okay!” some customers say,
“If my food contains horses – but, hey!
Do those scientists’ tests
cover traces of pests
such as cockroach and rat DNA?”–finance.html