Funny Limericks For Everyone

At Christmas does Santa presume
the best way to enter a room
is down the smoke stack
with his swag in a sack?
In the States this could well spell his doom!

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The man had a tough choice to make
Which of the birds should he take?
Both turkeys looked good
But he thought that he should
Take the jenny instead of the jake.

(A jenny is a young female turkey.
A jake is a young male turkey.)

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There once was a gal named Jen-
Who was always playing pretend.
If you asked her for facts-
she’d say—“Just relax!”
“And play make believe with your friends.”

Thanks to Daniel Klawitter for this

There was an funny old fellow
Who loved the color bright yellow
But his coat was beige
That caused him to rage
He sat and started to mellow

Submitted by Mario Petralia

Said Donald to voters, “I hear
That Mexican weather comes here.
So I’ll build up walls
To keep out the squalls
And post armed guards to keep the skies clear.”

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Said Donald, “This weather’s a pain,
from Mexico laden with rain.
Imagine the cost
and the property lost;
these migrants are clearly to blame.”

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There was a young man from Dunkirk
Who was allergic to housework
He cleaned not a bit
Til Mum had a fit
Then a cleaner he did network

Submitted by Mario Petralia

There once was a woman whose ears
Confirmed her very worst fears
Three girls in the back
Is like a stadium on crack
I either need earplugs or lots of beers!

Thanks to Cornelia Weissfloch

There once was a lass named Maddie-
who discovered a talking cow patty
that she found in the pasture-
when it suddenly asked her:
“Which way is it to Cincinnati?”

Thanks to Daniel Klawitter for this one

Said Corbyn, “Stop raising a pong;
I haven’t done anything wrong.
Let’s keep it in mind
that most folk you find
just don’t know the words to the song.

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Said Donald, “I may seem a loon,
An orange-haired, loudmouthed buffoon.
But it’s clear women’s moods
Swing much more than a dude’s
And depend on the phase of the moon.”

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There was a young man from port Seaton
Who would do nothing but greeting
He would cry all day
And his friends would say
Shut it or we’ll give you a beating

Jimmy McCurdie

Over drinks in the House of Lords bar
It was mooted Lord Sewel went too far.
Any red-blooded bloke
May like harlots and coke –
But what’s with the bright orange bra?

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When too many euros you borrow,
The result can be heartbreak and sorrow.
So let us all learn,
Spending more than you earn
Leads to worry and trouble tomorrow.

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Said Lewis, whilst racing, “Wey-hey!
I’ve just got an increase in pay.
But isn’t it funny,
I get piles of money
for driving in circles all day?”

Paul Freeman

Poor Jezza was in a foul mood,
when offered a plate of cold food.
Then blaming his crew,
the words and fists flew,
for which he may well end up sued.

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Thought Clarkson, ‘It’s fun to let rip,
and punch someone straight in the lip.’
But it seems that this time
he’s crossed a red line,
so farewell, au revoir, toodle pip.

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Alas, England’s cricketers slumped,
and out of the tourney were dumped.
And back home in Blighty,
a country once mighty
at cricket feels thoroughly stumped.

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A woman unable to sleep
who got so bored that she could weep
she tossed and turned
and the lesson she learned
is at night you can only count on sheep

Cornelia Weissfloch

There once was a woman in awe
of all politicians she saw
I too want to talk
and walk the walk
And completely ignore the law!

Cornelia Weissfloch

Some bankers have been rather lax,
helping customers fiddle their tax;
and when things got fraught,
to avoid getting caught,
they hurriedly covered their tracks.

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There once was a lady aghast
at how quickly time had passed
one day they walk
another they talk
and next their feet grow far too fast!

There once was a mother of twins
listening to the battle of kins
I’m going to kill you
I’ll kill you too
it’ll be lonely for the one who wins…

A lady with very loud kids
although she loved them to bits
she decided to act
it is now a fact
a bit of ducttape saves your wits!

Cornelia Weissfloch (Slightly edited to make them scan)

I’m wearing a weird kind of dress,
whose colours are tricky to guess.
And though risking rebuke,
I’ll admit that it’s puke –
from a dodgy fruit salad, no less.

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Some Chelsea fans got on a train
in Paris and couldn’t refrain
from behaving like louts,
using vile racist shouts,
just to prove English thugs don’t have brains.

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There once was a woman a little lost
About life, work , and the lack of frost
This is winter season
Without rhyme or reason
I need to feel miserably cold at all cost!

There once was a woman up high
About to give eloping a try
Snow is falling
The slopes are calling
I’m going skiing, goodbye!

There once was a woman so hairy
Even her husband found her scary
Get rid of the fluff
And the prickly stuff
It’s not a bear I wanted to marry!

Cornelia Weissfloch