Funny Limericks For Everyone

There once was a codger called Lawrie
Whose life was an allegory
At a gath’ring with friends,
He confessed at the end,
“My beard is my crowning glory.”

Another from Birke Duncan.

There was a director called Fact,
Who had all the good actors sacked.
He fell from the loft
On something not soft,
And had it put into the act.

Thanks to Birke Duncan for this one.

When they’ve found the correct U-V brand
of lamp, we’ll see Pence lend a hand
shove it up Donald’s butt,
where each flatulent ‘Phutt!’
will result in those close getting tanned.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

There was a young girl who attracted
an ugly old hairy arachnid.
Now, to just run away
would not save the day,
but a big stick to give him a whack did.

This Limerick is a re-telling of the rhyme “Little Miss Muffet” for the age of gender equality.

Thanks to Geoffrey Hill for that.

As Donald Trump tightens his grip,
and impeachment’s no more than a blip,
each Democrat caucus,
gets more and more raucous,
and Nancy Pelosi lets rip.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Though Trump is an ignorant boomer,
and tougher to tame than a tumour,
the fact that this goof
rules the U.S. is proof
that god has a weird sense of humour.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Prince Harry’s no longer a mover;
he lives in suburban Vancouver.
His own socks he’s stitching,
he cooks in the kitchen,
and is learning the joys of the Hoover.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

When Harry and Meg say goodbye
to detractors who spat in their eye,
I wish them the best
as they flee from the nest
with a whiskey and Canada Dry.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

On New Year I vowed that the mounds
of fat would in leaps and in bounds
melt away in the gym
as I strove to get slim,
but alas I’m still piling on pounds.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Piers Morgan is feeling quite pissed,
so Harry and Meghan he’s dissed.
His motive has been
to suck up to the Queen
to appear on the next honours’ list

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

There once was a swimmer named Mark,
Who one day encountered a shark,
He suggested a race,
But the fish beat his pace,
And the water around them went dark.

Thanks to Terry Akee for this.

Kim Jong Un’s awesome attributes fill me
with pride and his mighty deeds will me
to say he’s the best,
it’s a loyalty test –
if I don’t he’ll send someone to kill me.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Though in Sydney the air makes you choke,
every sheila and brash Aussie bloke
still insists you should go
to their firework show
even if you can’t see through the smoke.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

The men of Westminster aren’t hunks,
in fact most are ugly old skunks;
so please do not leak
any pics from Mustique
of BoJo attired in his trunks.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

At Donald, the world leaders sneered,
though he thought himself greatly revered;
and when he found out,
he started to pout
and in a big sulk disappeared.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

The Queen heard the country was fearing
a change of the monarch was nearing,
and when she found Charley,
things got rather gnarly,
for Charles had been whooping and cheering.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

When Boris was swapped for some ice,
he said that the stunt was not nice.
And now Andrew Neil
has made a new deal,
but the PM’s response is: “No dice!”

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Said Donald: “Each year goods are sent
here for free by a white-bearded gent.
But this loophole I’ll close
and on Santa impose
a tariff of twenty percent.”

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

The Queen advised Anne: “With a guest
we must always behave at our best.
Don’t be rude, be polite,
show not one ounce of spite,
even if he’s a miserable pest.”

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Said Jeremy Clarkson: “In light
of my ratings not being alright,
I’ll act like a churl
and blame a young girl
for the fact that The Grand Tour is shite.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Prince Andrew is in the s@$t deep,
for the whole world believes him a creep.
And even the Queen,
after what she has seen,
has labelled her son a black sheep.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Said Nigel: “Let’s dust off the swords
and tell all our Brexiteer hordes
to go out and vote
lest I’m given a note
to say I’ve a place in the Lords.”

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Before the commuters had blinked,
men mounted the train with arms linked.
Then the transport delay
caused a violent affray
and the guys almost wound up extinct.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

When Viking 2 launched for the stars,
its landing was met with hurrahs!
And with signs that there’s life
myself and the wife
are now thinking of moving to Mars.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

His black-painted face was inciting;
the media commentary biting.
And so in the end
he plumped to defend
the photos by blaming poor lighting.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

In Luxembourg, Boris’s smile,
lasted only a very short while.
At the sound of, “No Brexit”,
he made for the exit
and ran a proverbial mile.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Though William and Kate are celebs,
and their plane carried Kylie and Debs,
the twain didn’t meet
because each royal seat
was kept well away from the plebs.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

Though they warn us about acid rain,
and world temperature’s getting insane,
Prince Harry and Meg
must be pulling our leg,
for they constantly travel by plane.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

A$AP Rocky believed that he could
keep from jail after doing no good;
but like President Trump,
he came down with a bump
when the Swedes said: “This isn’t your hood.”

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com

The English were caught in a fix
as their batsmen fast ran out of tricks,
then when Stokes ran for two
an outfielder threw
and deflected a fortunate six.

www.paulfreeman.weebly.com